LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Paul Mitchell, KPSI radio in Palm Springs, on fraud charges in Mexico’s elections by supporters of Cuauhtemoc Cardenas: “Their first indication was that many polling places were being supervised by former Chicago aldermen.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on fallout from the $2.7-million judgment won by a woman against McDonald’s for selling coffee that was too hot: “A 10-year-old Beverly Hills boy has sued the chain for $10 million, alleging that his “Happy Meal” had failed to lift his spirits.”

Mills, on the National Scrabble Championship: “After winning the title, David Gibson admitted to reporters that his real name is Vidad Sibnog.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on reports that Carlos the Jackal was under anesthesia preparing to have liposuction when he was captured: “His 20th terrorist reunion was coming up later this summer and he wanted to fit into his old Baader-Meinhoff uniform.”

A Missouri state employee, whose job included investigating scams, resigned after it was discovered that he was planning his own illegal moneymaking scheme, Peyser reports: “After confessing, he handed in a chain letter of resignation.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on freshman Rep. Mel Reynolds, accused of having sex with a 16-year-old campaign worker in 1992: “Other congressmen are shaking their heads. Everybody knows that you can’t do that until after you are elected.”

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Reader file: George Kiseda of L. A. on the baseball strike: “For the first time since the Iran-Iraq war, we have an argument in which it is impossible to identify the good guys.”

Walking by an office late one night, a man hears a voice from inside, complaining. Poking his head inside, he is startled to see a dog emptying the trash and vacuuming while talking to himself and imitating his owner condescendingly: “Spot, take out the trash. Spot, make sure you vacuum everything.”

“My God,” the man says, “does your owner know what he has in you--a dog that can talk?”

“No, and please don’t tell him,” the dog begs. “He’ll probably make me answer the phones, too.”

-- Dave Dobrin, Westchester

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Gags Gang/Funny Stuff newsletter’s hints on how a man can tell that his marriage may be going bad:

* The plumber comes--and stays the weekend.

* You move to another city--and she still has the same mailman.

* She wants to have sex in the back seat of a Buick--and wants you to drive.

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Since her son was an infant, reader Sue Pine of West L. A. has taken him on business trips. By age 5, he was a sophisticated traveler. In New York, she took him for his first visit to a Catholic church, where they watched a Communion.

As the worshipers received the wafers and wine, he whispered: “The people in first class get food.”