LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on President Clinton’s declaration that every city is safer because of his crime bill: “So how come he’s vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard instead of downtown Detroit?”

Leno says the Georgia teacher who was suspended after refusing to honor a state law that requires a moment of silence in classrooms should have tried a different approach: “If you want high school students to observe a moment of silence, just ask them a math question.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on a report that police found a fake beard and mustache inside O.J.’s Bronco after the low-speed chase: “Defense lawyers claim Simpson planned to use them as a disguise when he took his kids to Disneyland. But prosecutors suggest that explanation is from Fantasyland.”

Peyser, on female lawmakers in Sacramento protesting the demise of a bill that would have guaranteed women the right to wear pants to work: “They are accusing opponents of skirting the issue.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Cuban exodus: “Some have figured out a perfect way to slip into South Florida. They hide inside bales of cocaine and wash ashore undetected.”

Sen. Connie Mack of Florida doesn’t want the United States to deal with Fidel Castro: “This man is a thug . . . a killer . . . a communist.” According to comedy writer Mark Miller, Mack then elaborated: “He’s a rebel and he’ll never ever be any good. . . .”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on a report that the most popular 1993 destinations for air travelers were New York, Miami and Los Angeles: “The survey also revealed that those travelers’ luggage most often wound up in Boston, Newark and Honolulu.”

Mills, on singer Jimmy Buffett crash landing his seaplane in the surf off Nantucket: “He swam to shore after barely escaping a vicious attack by a school of agents.”

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Several versions submitted of this old joke:

Upon arriving in heaven, a newly deceased woman asked St. Peter if he could help find her husband, who had died years before. St. Peter asked his name, and she replied, “Smith.”

St. Peter said there were many Smiths in heaven and asked his first name. The woman said, “John.” He replied that many John Smiths were there, and asked of any other way to identify him. “Well,” she said, “he said that if I were ever unfaithful to his memory, he would roll over in his grave.”

“Oh,” responded St. Peter, “you mean Spinner Smith.”

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Reader Geno Perezselsky of San Pedro says that his son had been trying to sell his Portland home for a couple years. His son’s wife learned that two other couples had sold theirs after burying a statue of St. Joseph in the front yard, head first and facing the street. She went to a store that sold religious articles and inquired about a cheap St. Joseph statue.

Nonchalantly, the clerk replied: “Trying to sell your house, huh?”