Commentary : HOW TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE THE ONLY SIMPSONS YOU’LL SEE ARE BART AND LISA

If the summer preview of “The O.J. Simpson Show” sent you organizing your spice rack, there’s plenty you can do ahead of time to prepare for avoidance of “The Sequel.”

But you say you can’t afford to fly to a remote, televisionless island in the South Pacific for the trial’s duration?

Here are alternatives:

-- Start taping soap operas now.

OK, so the Simpson trial promises to be the mother of all soaps, but Bay City, Genoa City, Port Charles and the rest of those realistic places with realistic people with realistic names like Bo and Margo and Roman will be scarce once Bob and Johnnie and Marcia get going.

-- Tape the talk shows.

What’s that? You would never watch those? Don’t get on your high horse too soon. After day after day after day after blasted day of talk of DNA testing, you’ll be itching to watch “My Sister’s Husband’s Father Is From Jupiter.”

-- Don’t forget nighttime when taping.

Set the VCR on nonstop. Music videos on MTV. “Nature” on PBS. Heck, tape “Cops.”

-- Learn how to knit.

-- Join a monastery.

-- Rent that pretrial classic, “Absence of Malice.”

OK, not a classic in the classic sense if you ask movie critics and journalists. But it does have its great moments: When Paul Newman walks into the newsroom, when Paul Newman sails his boat, when Paul Newman speaks, when Paul Newman eats, when Paul Newman laughs, when Paul Newman picks up a piece of paper . . .

-- Rent that courtroom classic “The Verdict,” starring Paul Newman. (What??? You were expecting that “Inherit” movie about that monkey trial or something?)

Another fave trial movie: “And Justice for All.” That it stars Al Pacino is pure coincidence. It’s recommended because you and your friends can sit around and shout with Al, “ You’re out of order! You’re out of order! This whole trial is out of order!”

-- Rent anything by the Merchant-Ivory crew. One movie will suck up an entire morning court session.

-- Rent “Ishtar.” A good afternoon nap movie.

-- Check out “Perry Mason” and Della Street and Paul Drake. Sing along with the opening score. Dig that piano, man.

-- Lament the loss of “L.A. Law”--the Early, not to mention, Good Years.

-- Go shopping.

Doesn’t much matter if it’s Ralph’s or Nordstrom. Just so long as there isn’t a television or radio in sight.

-- Schedule a pedicure and a manicure.

-- Lunch at Mezzaluna.

Tacky, yes. But this is the same trial that has sent throngs of tourists traipsing through Brentwood and Bundy Drive in search of anything related to the case.

-- Rent a Ford Bronco and take it for a spin on the 405. (See “Lunch at Mezzaluna.”)

-- Call up a friend named Al and see if he’d like to join you.

-- Read “Jaws” by Peter Benchley--if the lawyer connection isn’t too much of a reminder of the trial.

-- Read “The Six-Finger Glove Mystery.”

-- Cry over the fact that white gloves are a thing of the past.

Used to be you could walk into any department store and pick up a pair for that afternoon tea or First Communion. You’d have better luck now finding a hoop skirt.

-- Finish straightening out that spice rack, remembering that oregano goes before paprika nd that cayenne pepper might look a little like paprika, but to confuse the two could be painful.

-- Go down to the beach and listen to the waves. They really are quite spectacular and they don’t stop for a commercial break.

-- Go up to the mountains. Sometimes we get overbeached and forget that there’s golden beauty up in them thar hills.

-- Watch “The Simpsons.” You know, the original Simpsons with Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie.

Michelle Williams is deputy editor of Life & Style.