LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on Judge Lance Ito denying the Simpson legal team’s last eight motions: “It’s starting to dawn O. J. that he had a better defense the year Buffalo went 2-12.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the auction of items from the Chicago hotel room where O. J. stayed after the killings: “The most unusual thing for sale was an alibi. Simpson’s lawyers desperately tried to buy it, but it went to a private collector in Denver.”

David Letterman, on political trading cards: “It’s amazing isn’t it? You can buy them, you can sell them, you know, just like real politicians.”

In Nevada, 66 teachers may lose their jobs after failing the state’s competency exam. According to comedy writer Mark Miller, the group issued a written response: “This are not faire. We is extreemely competents and be not afraid to fighting for we jobs.”

Miller, on Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement, which begins at sundown Wednesday: “Or, as it is now better known, the busiest day of the year for Woody Allen.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on news that British taxpayers spend $31 million annually on the Royal Family: “They hope to cut that by 30% after switching Princess Di over to MCI.”

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From the Internet, courtesy reader Gary Fisher of Gardena:

Heaven has become very crowded so St. Peter is admitting only people with particularly sad stories.

The first man says that for some time he suspected his wife had been having an affair: “And when I came home last night to my 20th-floor apartment, I saw a guy hanging off the balcony. I got so mad I took a hammer and hit his fingers until he fell, but he landed on the balcony below. So I pushed our refrigerator through the window. It knocked him off, but I lost my balance and fell, too.” He is admitted.

The next man says that he had been exercising on his 21st-floor balcony when he slipped and fell: “Luckily, I grabbed the balcony below, but some idiot started hitting my fingers with a hammer until I fell again. I managed to land on the next balcony down, but then he dumped a refrigerator on me.” He, too, is admitted to Heaven.

The third man in line walks up to St. Peter and says: “Picture this. I’m naked in a refrigerator . . . “

Reader Stan Kaplan of Garden Grove has a suggestion for the invasion of Haiti: “Send in the L. A. Raiders. They won’t gain any ground, but they will scare the hell out of them.”

Yum! Spotted on the menu of a Chinese restaurant in San Bernardino by reader Debbie Todd: BBQ Pork with Beancurb and Bean Crud with Hot Sauce.

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Reader Melissa Ryan of Gardena says that at age 4, her son Jack (now 10) already exhibited an unusual understanding of the environmental and wildlife conservation issues his mom frequently espoused.

One day, he asked for another glass of milk, then apologetically added: “I know I’m wasting cows.”