LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: What do Ollie North, Dan Rostenkowski and Marion Barry have in common? Comedy writer Bob Mills says all three are saving a bundle by using police mug shots in their campaign brochures.
Robert W. Morgan (KRTH 101.1 FM), on cocaine being found in the blood of the pilot who crashed the plane at the White House: “This proves that he was not in Washington to harm President Clinton. He was there to vote for Marion Barry.”
Jay Leno, on Clinton staying at Blair House during the crash: “This is the first time that sleeping in the wrong bed has actually gotten him out of trouble.”
Comic Argus Hamilton says Republican leaders have forgotten why their party was founded: “They don’t want U.S. soldiers to die capturing an old slave colony like Haiti. In 1861, Bob Dole would have told Abe Lincoln to just go with the flow.”
David Letterman, on the U.S.-Cuba agreement: “The U.S. will now accept 20,000 Cuban refugees every year--provided they can play baseball and don’t care about a salary cap.”
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Also in the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Ted Kennedy’s son, Patrick, running for Congress in Rhode Island: “He has rejected his dad’s traditional campaign song: ’99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.’ ”
Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the Buffalo State College honor-roll student sentenced to 90 days in jail for financing her education as a $150-an-hour call girl: “Or, for $75, she would undress while contrasting the novels of Hemingway and Fitzgerald.”
Adds comedy writer Tony Peyser: “At these prices, she’ll soon be able to afford an Ivy League school.”
Peyser, on the Kansas City trial of the mayor and an aide, charged with conspiracy involving a reported $4,000 bribe from a strip club owner: “Apparently the payment had some G-strings attached.”
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Reader file: Dean and Janis Moody of Alhambra wonder about the merger of Alpha Beta and Ralph’s: “We’re not entirely sure if we would be comfortable walking into any place with the name RalphaBeta.”
Carol Brooks of Bellflower thinks some may be too quick to dismiss O.J.’s claim about the fake mustache and beard: “After all, it could have been a Disney Passport in the Bronco, and $10,000 is about right for drinks, snacks and souvenirs for three.”
Stan Kaplan of Garden Grove says his daughter describes her new boyfriend as “very shallow: He doesn’t get into the swim of things, he just wades.”
Hannah Oman of Culver City tells of the new automatic toilet seat: “The minute you sit down on it, the phone rings.”
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Josh Stallings of Eagle Rock told his 9-year-old son, Jared, that his brother had won an award at camp. “What award did he win?” Jared asked. His father said it was for “Best Overall Camper.”
“Really?” Jared replied. “I didn’t even know he wore overalls.”