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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

On the tube: Jay Leno, on O.J. humming a tune from the musical “Cats”: “They say that today Shapiro came in singing, ‘We’re in the Money! We’re in the Money!’ . . . In fact, I know that O.J. is working with the Menendez brothers on a revival of ‘Oklahoma.’ ”

David Letterman, on the jury selection process: “They’re looking for somebody who preferably lives in the Los Angeles area, somebody who has a lot of free time, somebody who doesn’t read newspapers or watch television. And I’m thinking to myself, it’s obvious: Ronald Reagan.”

Leno, on a British tabloid’s report that Hillary Clinton is pregnant: “President Clinton is very, very unhappy. In fact, he said, ‘This time Jimmy Carter has gone too far.’ ”

Leno, on the man Chicago police say embezzled $272,000, then spent $262,000 on strippers at a topless night club: “The rest of the money, I guess he just wasted.”

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Comic Argus Hamilton, on the President’s meeting with Boris Yeltsin: “Last time they met in Canada and it was perfect. The climate reminded Yeltsin of home and the location allowed Clinton to get together with his old Army buddies.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on this week’s meeting: “To help boost Moscow’s economy, Clinton may OK the sale of Russian-made handguns here. His theory is that most members of American street gangs won’t be able to understand the owner’s manual.”

Hamilton, on the CIA’s decision to only reprimand 11 officials in the Aldrich Ames scandal: “Our spies were heroic when informed of their punishment. Said one: ‘I regret that I have but one wrist to be slapped for my country.’ ”

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Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Walt Disney Co. unexpectedly dropping its plans to build a $650-million theme park in Virginia: “CEO Michael Eisner accused opponents of slipping the project a Mickey.”

Comedy writer Marc Holmes, on Dolly Parton revealing in her autobiography that, as a joke, she once put her famous chest on a platter for her agent: “It’s the first time in history that an agent ever said, ‘Whoa, 10% of that will be plenty.’ ”

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A newly arrived immigrant from Czechoslovakia was applying at the DMV for a driver’s license. When he stepped forward to have his vision checked, the clerk covered one of the man’s eyes and told him to read the bottom line on the eye chart.

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“Read it?” the immigrant said with enthusiasm, “I know him!”

--Patricia Merrill, L.A.

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Reader Don Maxofske of Westchester says that when his 3-year-old son was pounding away noisily at the piano, he told him, “Max, when Mozart was your age, he was composing symphonies.” Then he asked, “What’s the matter with you?”

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Replied Max: “I have a cold.”


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