LAUGH LINES

In the news: Jay Leno, on the British tabloid report that Hillary Clinton is pregnant: “They say pregnancy is often signaled by irritability, crankiness and mood swings. Sounds to me like Bob Dole is the one who’s pregnant.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on O.J.’s new exercise video: “He demonstrates pushups, sit-ups and the now-famous Robert Shapiro ‘Billfold Bench Press.’ ”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on a new endorsement for Simpson: “The Florida Citrus Commission has offered to pay all O.J.’s legal bills if he will change his first name to Snapple.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Maine gubernatorial candidate Susan Collins’ brother, charged with buying 1,000 pounds of marijuana from an undercover DEA agent: “He says he misunderstood when she talked about waging a grass-roots campaign.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Dwight Gooden’s one-year suspension from baseball: “The message the league is sending him is quite clear: If you do drugs, we’ll treat you like a fan. “

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Mailbag: A postal worker is receiving a leave with pay after complaining that a buxom female employee’s low-cut blouse distracted him. “Officials didn’t want to challenge his claim. He’d recently been voted Disgruntled Employee of the Month.”

--Joe/Anvi Kevany

“The Postal Service may issue a new stamp honoring the marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley. It’s a picture of Elvis getting his gun.”

--Argus Hamilton

“The post office was also considering a Madonna stamp, but it didn’t work out. Every time you licked it, it licked back.”

--Gags Gang/Funny Stuff newsletter

“Can’t wait till they issue that new Richard Nixon postage stamp. It’s bound to be the first one where half the people spit on the side without the glue.”

--Paul Feldman

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It’s a small world: Reader Dave Margolis thinks it’s too bad they are giving up on Disney America, as it looked like they had some nice attractions planned:

* Animatronic display of Founding Fathers sexually harassing Founding Mothers.

* Early democracy in action: National Musket Assn. demonstrating against proposed blunderbuss control law.

* Pioneer settlers load up Conestoga wagons, head for Orlando.

* Lincoln frees the seven dwarfs.

* Refugees landing on shore of New World to escape tyranny of Euro Disney.

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Jordan Sachs, 4, of Whittier is a true child of the times. While inspecting a dollar bill, he asked his mother, Theadora: “This is the first President, isn’t it?” She said he was right and added, “His name is George. Do you know his last name?”

After a beat, Jordan replied: “Lucas.”