LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Premiere Radio Network, on Marcia Clark’s new hairstyle: “She claims it was designed by Allen Edwards, but DNA tests of hair samples have actually placed Clark at Supercuts.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills says O.J. may drop his defense team of Shapiro, Cochran & Dershowitz and replace them with a new firm he’s more familiar with: Spielberg, Katzenberg & Geffen.

Jay Leno, on the sex survey: “The problem with these studies is that some participants don’t always tell the truth. They exaggerate, tend to brag. Researchers say they have finally identified and named this group. They are called men .”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Oliver North’s criticisms of President Clinton’s response to Iraq: “Ollie can give opinions. But his Liars Anonymous program doesn’t allow him to attempt to state facts until he has had at least a year in recovery.”

Hamilton, on Democrats up for election distancing themselves from the President: “They’ve contacted Billzheimer’s Disease. Never heard of the guy.”

Comedy writer Leslie Coogan, on Arianna Huffington maintaining she’s a “born-again” Christian in the wake of flak over her involvement with mystic groups: “We thought she was channeling a 25,000-year-old ghost, but it’s much worse--she’s channeling Dan Quayle.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the group of U.S. ministers denouncing sexual misconduct by clergy: “They have invited women who’ve been hit on to meet with them behind closed doors. And later, maybe a little dinner and a movie.”

Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on the Catholic Church trying to improve women’s status with more high-ranking jobs: “Now instead of just scrubbing floors, they’ll clean chandeliers too.”

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Crime watch: A New York sports shop has been accused of selling fake memorabilia. Crack police investigators became suspicious when shown a baseball purchased at the store and allegedly autographed by Mikey Mantle and Todd Williams.

Two top college baseball prospects face drug charges after being arrested Tuesday at the University of Central Arkansas. Coaches said the pair got it all wrong: First you get into the major leagues, then you develop a drug problem.

--Tony Peyser A Virginia hospital administrator, accused of misusing funds to support a lavish lifestyle, has filed a $6-million countersuit, claiming hospital officials are falsely portraying him as a crook . The administrator says he prefers the term ethically impaired .

--Mark Miller *

Bea Shaw of Toluca Lake admits that geography isn’t her strong suit. Recently, she got a call from a friend who lives in the Virgin Islands. “Oh, thank goodness you’re OK,” Shaw exclaimed when she heard his voice. “Aren’t you close to Haiti?”

“Gosh no,” he replied indignantly. “I’m only 71.”