LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Political watch: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on U.S. Senate candidate Oliver North: “Just in case he wins the election, he has his lawyers looking for loopholes in the Bible he’ll be sworn in on.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on North telling a crowd Sunday that he started out in life as poor but honest: “Luckily, public service cured him of both.”

Jay Leno, on North spending $17.5 million so far: “That’s unbelievable. That’s almost $5 a lie.”

Hamilton, on President Clinton appearing at a rally for Ted Kennedy in Boston: “They stood onstage in the ‘Missing Musketeer’ formation. Prince Charles canceled at the last moment.”

Mills, on Mike Huffington’s endorsement of Proposition 187: “He signed on only after being assured that it wouldn’t apply to political candidates crossing the border from Texas.”

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In the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Hillary Clinton’s lunch with Princess Diana: “The queen wanna-be spoke of an unfaithful husband, bizarre in-laws and a relentless press. Diana never got a word in.”

Ray, on Tylenol paying $9 million to a man who suffered liver damage: “It could have been higher, but the company’s lawyers were five times more effective than attorneys who represent aspirin.”

Police say the New England Health Club in Connecticut was really a brothel. Authorities moved in, says comedy writer Tony Peyser, “after getting a tip that the club had a 17-year waiting list.”

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Quick quips . . . On the soon-to-be Mr. Roseanne:

* “You can tell he’s a real gentleman. Wherever they go, he always opens the refrigerator door for her.” (Alan Ray)

* “Roseanne is not just gaining a husband. ABC is gaining another producer.” (Jay Leno)

On the Pope’s book: “It is so full of chastity that the jacket won’t even come off.” (Leslie Coogan)

On Jimmy Smit’s Nov. 15th “NYPD Blue” debut: “ABC publicists are busy passing out 8-by-10 glossies of his butt.” (Buddy Baron)

On today’s birth anniversary of Pablo Picasso: “Even the Mafia is indebted to the greatest artist of the 20th Century. He gave them the idea for rearranging a person’s face.” (Mark Miller)

On the death of Harry Salzman, co-producer of the James Bond films: “Close friends were shaken--but not stirred.” (Gags Gang newsletter)

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While putting 6-year-old Amanda to bed recently, reader Gary Fisher of Gardena read a book about lions in Africa. She asked why lions are called “King of the Beasts,” and he told her that he thought it was because all the animals, except for very large ones like elephants and rhinos, were prey for the lion.

She replied: “Then I’ll bet the zebras and giraffes all pray for the lions to get stomped on by an elephant.”