LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: Comedy writer Michael Connor, on the killer bees landing inside a California prison: “Pete Wilson says the bees prove he’s tough on crime, and that under Kathleen Brown, inmates would have gotten off with just wasps.”
Connor, on Prince Chuck’s conferring an honorary British order on actress Angela Lansbury: “He then asked if she’d help him find out who murdered his reputation.”
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the prince attending a screening of “Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein” on Tuesday: “He could relate to it; a guy creates a monster and then it turns on him.”
Peyser, on Judge Lance Ito looking to sequester jurors somewhere with exercise facilities: “If he wants a place with a weight room, pool and tennis court, how about O.J.’s house?”
Jay Leno, on a group of dog lovers insisting that Nicole Simpson’s dog can identify her killer: “Now how does a dog pick somebody out of a lineup? I know how they check out other dogs, and I don’t want to see this on Court TV.”
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Also in the news: Comedy writer Leslie Coogan, on Mike Huffington saying that interviewing a nanny is the “most important interview you will ever have in your entire life”: “Wanna bet that his upcoming interview with the INS will rank right up there?”
Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the trial of alleged Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss: “The case will focus on what makes people prostitute themselves for money. But enough about her lawyers. . . .”
Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Nancy Reagan saying Oliver North has trouble separating fact from fiction: “Such as telling her he was a Taurus all those years when he’s really a Pisces.”
Comedy writer Marc Holmes, on an English study that shatters the myth that boys are smarter than girls: “Scientists are calling it the Clinton Theorem .”
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White House shooting, redux: David Letterman says there’s a brighter side: “Now when President Clinton runs for reelection, at least he can say he’s had combat experience.” Letterman adds that Monday was just a typical autumn scene in Washington: “Squirrels gathering shell casings.”
Comic Argus Hamilton says there’s a reason Republicans are demanding better presidential protection: “If something happens to Clinton, they’ll have to run on their record.”
Mills, on White House security: “Experts recommend barring access to people who really have no business there . . . such as Michael Dukakis, Dan Quayle and Ross Perot.”
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Reader Steve Miller of Palos Verdes recalls trying to describe the Downtown L.A. skyscraper where he works to his 4-year-old daughter, Kelly. “Daddy works in a building with over 50 stories,” he said.
“Really?” she exclaimed. “You work in a library?”