A Fantasy Fit for Disney: Mighty Ducks in Pasadena

California currently has five very scary situations. A swarm of African “killer bees” has landed somewhere near Riverside. Adults and students alike are angrily protesting Proposition 187 and its immigration implications. A notorious murder trial might run concurrently with the trial of a reputed Hollywood madam. An earthquake study warns we can expect temblors measuring 5.0 or greater on the Richter scale at least once a year, from here to eternity.

And Oregon could play in the Rose Bowl.

Boy, I would hate to rate these crises 1 through 5. Let’s see: Pestilence, conflict, scandal, seismic activity, Oregon vs. Penn State--which would horrify me most?

The last thing I need is some nasty hive of honey-suckers to zing me, so maybe I will avoid Riverside County until the swarm passes. As far as Prop. 187 is concerned, I merely will consult my personal spiritual adviser, John-Roger-George-Ringo of the Church of the Movement of What’s Happening Now, to ask how I should cast my vote on Election Day.

Over at courtroom central, where jury selection for the concurrent Juice & Fleiss cases continues, I feel certain that sequestered jurors’ greatest complaint about being denied access to newspapers and TV would be not knowing how the Oregon Ducks did in their final weeks of football.

And, trust me, no quake of any magnitude could jerk the needle sideways on one of those Richter things the way Oregon making the Rose Bowl would.

So, for wildest story of ‘94, I guess I’ll have to go with this one. Killer Ducks Headed This Way!

Think of it--Oregon in the Rose Bowl.

Oregon is to college football what Linda McCartney is to rock ‘n’ roll. A highlight film of “Great Moments in Oregon Football” would take about 60 seconds. You could show the entire film during a timeout. Yet all of a sudden Oregon stands an excellent chance of representing the Pac-10 in the “Granddaddy of Them All,” the Rose Bowl football classic. Calm down, Granddaddy. Take a pill.

This is something we never figured we would see in our lifetime, like a mouse dating a cat, or Michael Jackson marrying Elvis’ daughter. It’s sort of a close encounter of the fourth kind. It’s up there with the Berlin Wall falling and the Atlanta Braves playing in the World Series. Oregon appearing in the Rose Bowl is like Tom Arnold appearing in “Hamlet.”

First Wisconsin, now Oregon? What next? Northwestern vs. Cal? Minnesota vs. Mars?

I know we all want to make Penn State feel nice and comfy on its first visit to Pasadena as a member of the Big Ten. Nevertheless, the only other reason I can see for inviting Oregon to the Rose Bowl is to accommodate all those thousands of Californians who moved to Oregon after the last quake. Last census taken showed that there were so many of us up there now, the state is about to be renamed Califoregon.

Oregon is a wonderful place, if you’re a beaver. The water is clear and you can’t see the air. Eugene itself is such a friendly city, the people there come up to you and say, “Just call us Gene.”

Where college football is concerned, however, the University of Oregon’s program is a step up from Pop Warner, maybe right up there with Mom Warner. Their fight song is “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”

Teams from Oregon are almost never ranked among the nation’s top 20. (Except in the computer poll of the New York Times, which traditionally ranks Kansas State first and some community college from South Dakota second, just ahead of Nebraska, based on schedules.)

Hooray for the little Duckies, however. They are having their best season in years. They just edged Arizona by a bill, 10-9. This gave Oregon a tie for first place in the conference and the right to return for next week’s games, or at least to leave with some lovely parting gifts.

After the victory, Oregon tight end Josh Wilcox said, “I don’t think we really know what it means, but it’s cool.”

I believe Josh borrowed this quote from Bill Walsh, the guy from Palo Alto who coaches football at Day Before Yesterday U.

Funny thing is, players from Oregon’s 1957 team that played in the ’58 Rose Bowl were the honored guests at last weekend’s game. I think you probably remember some of these great players--Tree Rollins, Hacksaw Reynolds, Glenn (Big Log) Robinson, Cliff Branch, Limb Barney, Jesse Elms, Forrest Gregg, the Pine brothers, Y.A. Duck, the whole gang. Or maybe I’m mistaken.

Come to think of it, nobody can remember Oregon’s 1957 Rose Bowl team. I’ll bet if you bet them, Oregon’s 1957 Rose Bowl team couldn’t remember Oregon’s 1957 Rose Bowl team.

But here come the Ducks, back every 37 years like clockwork. The demand up there for Rose Bowl tickets will be so great, Oregon people will be lined up for miles outside those Wisconsin travel agencies, trying to buy tickets from that guy from UCLA.

I am the first to admit that I am shocked, even stunned, by the news that Oregon could be in the next Rose Bowl. I know that everybody back at Penn State is saying right now, “No. 1, we hear Oregon has a very fine football team, and No. 2, where exactly is Oregon, anyway?”

You just never know here in California what is going to happen next. Wait until Oregon State finally gets itself a team. You think killer bees are scary . . .

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