LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on Republican attack ads that can transform any Democrat’s face into President Clinton’s: “It’s technologically difficult because he has so many faces that it’s hard to settle on just one.”

Comedian Mike Dugan refers to Mike Huffington’s supporters as “The Not Ready for Feinstein Players.”

Jay Leno, on the trick or treater who showed up at his home Tuesday night: “I told him, ‘Kid, you are about 24 hours late. What are you supposed to be anyway?’ He said, ‘I’m the cable guy.’ ”

Leno, on the latest news in the Simpson case: “Super lawyer Robert Shapiro has announced that O.J. has intestinal problems. Doctors say that as soon as he passes that knife, he should be OK.”

Comedy writer Michael Connor, on the Simpson jury selection: “Shapiro is asking prospective jurors if they’d be willing to set aside issues such as race, celebrity--and evidence.”

Connor, on Prince Chuck’s visit to a Vons grocery: “The store set up a special Charmin display for the occasion that read: ‘For your other throne room.’ ”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on cutbacks at Hershey’s chocolate: “Layoff notices were a bit terse. Workers in the bite-sized candy division were told to kiss off.”

*

Comedy writer Bob Mills’ sports update:

On 45-year-old George Foreman fighting Saturday for the world heavyweight championship:

* The 15-round match at Las Vegas’ MGM Grand is sanctioned by the WBA, the IBF and the AARP.

* For the first time in Nevada boxing history, the weigh-in will include a free prostate screening.

* Foreman is the first to admit that when you shadow box at age 45, sometimes your shadow wins.

On basketball star Dennis Rodman being suspended for excessive violence: “According to a team spokesman, Rodman has checked into the ‘Bobby Knight Courtside Behavioral Clinic.’ ”

*

Reader file . . . Opening soon, Kentucky Freud Chicken: For hungry people with psychological problems.

--Aldo Cammarota, L.A.

Why did the preacher’s wife object to his organizing an orchestra from the church staff? She didn’t want him fiddling with the secretaries.

--Bill Farris, Buena Park

In response to my question about sex for senior citizens, my doctor replied: “Sex at 65 is OK, but it’s better if you pull over to the side of the road.”

--J. Walker Owens, Indian Wells

*

When Whittier reader Laurel Hill’s grandson, then 2, visited one day, she was cleaning the cat box. She asked him to bring her a fresh newspaper and he did, watching as she replaced the old with the new:

When I finished, he asked softly: “Can they actually read that?”