Jokes

Fleiss flak: Jay Leno, on Heidi’s trial, next door to O.J.’s: “Judge Ito was so ruffled about having her nearby, he confused Simpson jurors with Fleiss’ and dismissed anyone who’s ever had sex in the back of a white Ford Bronco.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills says Heidi “had court watchers on the edge of their seats when she asked to borrow the bailiff’s handcuffs to describe a client.”

Adds comedy writer Alan Ray: “The court threw out Heidi’s plea bargain; she asked the judge to spank her.”

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In the news: Comedy writer Michael Connor, on the Frenchman aboard the space shuttle: “Scientists are miffed. He ruined one of their biology experiments by eating all the snails, and he keeps demanding the wine list and hollering: ‘Stewardess!’ ”

Mills, on the Senate’s advice to tighten security within the CIA: “Any agent found to have the names of foreign spies on their MCI Friends and Family list should be fired immediately.”

Auditors say New Mexico’s labor department grossly misspent $100,000 for a computer payroll system, and $90,000 to train workers on a system most currently don’t use. “The Pentagon has expressed envy,” says comic Argus Hamilton, “and is sending a task force to absorb the wisdom.”

Hamilton, on last week’s four New York lottery winners, who each got $18 million: “They were all so disappointed; it’s not nearly enough to move to California and run for U.S. Senate.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on two Boston teen-age sisters arraigned on charges of stealing their granny’s life savings to pay for a Disney World trip: “Asked what they’re going to do now, the girls said, ‘We’re going to jail!’ ”

Comedy writer Clay Heery, on the North Carolina lawyer on trial for billing clients for 24-hour days and seven-day work weeks: “The prosecutor charges fraud, but the state bar spokesman responded by saying, ‘What? You mean there are only 24 hours in a day?’ ”

Ray, on Dan Quayle stumping for the Republican candidates: “He says it’s not enough just to cast your ballots for Republicans; you have to go out there and vote for them, too.”

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Arriving late for the movies with his 5-year-old daughter, Steve Mitchell of Costa Mesa grabbed some refreshments and headed to the theater. Pushing through the curtain, they joined other late-comers waiting in darkness for enough light to find seats. Hearing a whimper from his daughter, Mitchell said, “Lauren, grab onto my leg and hold on.”

After a moment’s silence, a nearby voice said: “That’s not your father’s leg.”