LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Potomac fever: Jay Leno, on the GOP holding a strategy meeting in Williamsburg, Va., and the Democrats at Disney World: “That really sums up what the two parties are all about: The Republicans are trying to return to the 17th Century and the Democrats are stuck in Fantasyland.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on DNA found in a dinosaur bone: “While the discovery sparks speculation that a ‘Jurassic Park’ could someday become reality, scientists say that bringing dinosaurs back to life is still just in the realm of fiction and elections.”

Leno, on President Clinton visiting volcanoes in Hawaii: “He’s not really interested in volcanoes. I think he was just looking for virgins.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Newt Gingrich addressing GOP governors: “He called for military supremacy, no welfare and cultural rebirth. It was a nice speech, but it sounded a lot better in its original German.”

Comedy writer Michael Connor, on the activities of suicide doc Jack Kevorkian: “He’s very busy. He just finished work on Mike Huffington’s campaign, and now he’s rushing off to check on the Democrats.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Jesse Helms saying Bill Clinton is unfit as commander in chief: “Helms wants a President with first-strike capability--a guy who’s willing to strike the First Amendment.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Helms wanting to bring God back into schools: “If he could just get North Carolina to pay them more than $13,000 a year, maybe he could get some teachers there too.”

Mills says there’s trouble ahead for environmentalists: “The Endangered Species List has been renamed ‘The Menu’ by Republicans.”

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In the news: Easley, on the lack of progress in the Postal Service contract talks: “Postal strikes are forbidden by law, but that hasn’t stopped workers from staging job actions such as delivering mail undamaged, on time and to the right address.”

Comedy writer Terry Heath, on his Thanksgiving turkey: “I think I got a good deal. The interest rate was 7% and I only had to pay two points up front.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the three young Latinas in Stockton who claim they were denied a pizza because they lacked immigration and naturalization papers a cashier requested: “Proposition 187 opponents say this is proof of the Domino’s theory.”

Reader R. Alex Kaseberg, on the videotape shown Monday at the Heidi Fleiss trial: “When the cop with a phony Japanese accent asked the alleged call girl ‘to do American thing, special thing,’ she replied, ‘You mean, like, stand on my head?’ Police immediately issued an APB for Cal Worthington.”

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Reader Richard Harman of Monarch Beach recalls seeing the late Martha Raye appear at his bomb group station in England during WWII. After the show, Raye asked his commander where she and other entertainers were supposed to eat. He replied, “You’ll mess with the enlisted men.”

“I know that,” she said, “but where do we eat?”