Laugh Lines : Jokes
Jesse, Jesse, Jesse . . . On Sen. Helms warning the President not to visit North Carolina military bases without a bodyguard:
* “Witnesses say Helms acted alone, but director Oliver Stone already believes in a second jackass theory.” (Argus Hamilton)
* “Some moderate Republicans would like to muzzle Helms, but they can’t decide which end to start on.” (Bob Mills)
* “With his perpetual scowl, Helms looks like the guy on ‘Green Acres’ whom Arnold the Pig always got the best of.” (Hamilton)
* “Everyone needs a bodyguard in North Carolina because police protection is a little erratic. One never knows if this is the day Andy will let Barney use his bullet.” (Hamilton)
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Thanksgiving yesterday . . . “Indians did not actually attend the first dinner, having eaten early to set up the after-dinner bingo game.” (Mills)
* “Historians now claim that the Indians and Pilgrims never intended to eat together for that first dinner. But the alternative was breaking bread with their own relatives.” (Alan Ray)
* “Everyone didn’t sit together at that first Thanksgiving dinner. Some people had to eat at a card table.” (Ray)
. . . and today: “A favorite Thanksgiving game: Identify What’s in Aunt Bertha’s Salad. “ (Terry Heath)
* “Republican U.S. Sen. Phil Gramm has finally been handed the knife to carve the turkey. And he won’t stop until he hits bone.” (Michael Connor)
* “President Clinton is sending Congress a turkey. He just won’t give up on his health care plan.” (Ray)
* “Ted Kennedy is planning on a traditional holiday meal: cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes and Wild Turkey.” (Connor)
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Also in the news: Comedy writer Paul Ryan on the UCLA researcher who says baker’s yeast can cure the common cold: “Sure. But right after you stop sneezing, the top of your head starts to rise.”
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the two armed men who escaped Sunday with $25,000 worth of Cartier watches from a Saks Fifth Avenue store in Costa Mesa: “Police are trying to find suspects by asking suspicious-looking people what time it is.”
Comedy writer Mark Miller, on Wendy’s not selling hot chocolate until it can find a way to serve it at a lower temperature: “An offer to have Hillary Clinton stare at it just before serving has been rejected.”
Comedy writer Gary Easley, on Carnegie Mellon University blocking access to computer bulletin boards that feature pornography: “To mourn the decision, members of the school’s hacker club are wearing black pocket protectors.”
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Reader Ed Wrobleski of L.A. was watching children playing between classes as he searched for the school principal. He stopped a third-grade boy: “Can you tell me how to find Sister Stella?”
“You want to find Sister Stella?” the boy replied. “Go play in the hall, and she’ll find you!”