LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Reader Stan Kaplan of Garden Grove, on the Republican Contract With America: “With so many young members of Congress, I wonder who is co-signing?”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Smithsonian displaying the Enola Gay, the plane that bombed Hiroshima: “Jesse Helms is furious. He thinks it’s another one of those homosexual art exhibits.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Mike Huffington’s vote-tampering claim: “He says he can prove it was the same group that disrupted the wedding of Ross Perot’s daughter.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on absentee ballots: “Late last week, Huffington trailed by 156,000 votes with only 35,000 to be counted. Mike said he was just glad he had yet to be mathematically eliminated.”

Police in Duluth, Minn., finally nabbed the city’s famed Dirty Diaper Bandit. Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes says it took awhile to arrest him: “None of the cops wanted to put their handcuffs on him.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan says some legal experts contend that the Heidi Fleiss trial is proceeding much to quickly: “They think it may be a case of premature evaluation.”

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Going postal: Comedy writer Mark Miller, on defeated Congressman Dan Rostenkowski, who says he needs a job to pay more than $500,000 in legal bills: “He should work at the post office; we know he’s good with stamps.”

Reader Jud Whyte, on the new Nixon stamp: “Does that mean if one is on an envelope, the mail carrier can break into the house to deliver it?”

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On the way to class, three students passed the White House and saw the President on his morning jog. When they noticed an approaching car, on an apparent collision course with the President, they ran to push the President from harm’s way.

Dusting himself off, Clinton thanked them profusely: “Since you saved my life, what can I ever do to repay each of you?” One said he wanted to ride on Air Force One; another said he wanted to go to West Point. Clinton agreed. Then the third said, sheepishly, that he needed a plot at Arlington Cemetery.

“Sure, but you’re so young, son. What’s the hurry?” the President asked.

“When my dad finds out that I saved your life,” the boy replied, “he’s going to kill me.”

--Richard Selber, Santa Monica

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Reader Charles Hemphill of Long Beach was working for the FBI when he was told of a bank robbery nearby. Hemphill grabbed his gun and rushed to the scene. A second agent arrived and asked if he had brought his gun. Hemphill said sure. The other agent asked how many shells he had. Hemphill said the six that were always in the gun.

“Well, give me three,” the other agent said, “and we’ll each have three.”