Fruitcake: Beyond Doorstop

When friends and family drop off fruitcake during the holidays, I’ve always wanted to have the nerve to say: “Hey, thanks a million for this 20-pound, dry, lumpy, shellacked brick that doesn’t seem to have an expiration date on it!” But year after year, I don a fake smile and say with political correctness: “What a lovely thought! We’ll certainly use it soon.” Which we do.

Although tradition calls for fruitcake to be the “gift that keeps on giving” and one should recycle them to acquaintances, I just wouldn’t be able to do it with a straight face. Surely, they’d know instantly that A) it was a “used” gift, and B) that I thought of them as being very low on the totem pole of friends.

And so, we began putting the cakes out on the bird feeder for the squirrels until we discovered they were just knocking them off; then in the spring, when the snow melted, we’d find fruitcakes in the bushes (perfectly intact).

Once, we thought we were being real funny and used one for a festive holiday doorstop in the dining room until a fruitcake-giver stopped by unexpectedly and noticed it. “The dog must have dragged it over there,” we said. So, at this point, the best advice I can offer on how to use fruitcake gifts is to place them in a circle around the garbage can to repel starving raccoons.

Which brings me to the people who manufacture fruitcakes. Do a bunch of people sit around a conference table at their annual meeting and say, “No changes this year. Same old, same old. We’ll stick with the unidentifiable green and yellow chunks. Meeting adjourned”? Why, after all these years, doesn’t someone stand up and say, “I can’t take it anymore. Let’s add chocolate chips!”?

Well, someone had to come up with a great fruitcake, so I took this task upon myself and came up with a moist, rum-infused, pound cake-like loaf--studded with dried cranberries, dates, pecans and chocolate chips--and topped with a lemony, white chocolate-cream cheese frosting. The good news is, you can feel confident giving one to someone you truly like. And it’s edible. The bad news is, it doesn’t have the lifetime warranty that an old-fashioned fruit cake has. You’re going to have to put it in the freezer after a few days for it to last.

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The following recipe is a plea for those who insist on giving fruitcakes as gifts. Try this one for a change, I beg you.

NEWFANGLED FRUITCAKE WITH WHITE CHOCOLATE FROSTING

2 cups flour

3/4 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

4 eggs

2 tablespoons rum

2 tablespoons milk

1 1/4 cups unsalted butter, softened

1 cup sugar

1/2 cup coarsely chopped pecans

1/3 cup chopped pitted dried dates

Dried cranberries

1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips

1 (5-ounce) white chocolate candy bar, broken into pieces

1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, softened

1 teaspoon lemon juice

Pecan halves

Combine flour, baking powder and salt in medium bowl. In another small bowl, beat together eggs, rum and milk.

In food processor fitted with plastic blade, beat 1 cup butter until creamy. Slowly add sugar with processor running, occasionally scraping down bowl. When all sugar has been added, process 2 minutes more. Add egg mixture and beat 1 minute. Add flour mixture, 1/3 at time, until thoroughly mixed.

Pulsing on and off, quickly fold in pecans, dates, 1/2 cup dried cranberries and chocolate chips. Turn mixture into buttered and floured 9x5-inch loaf pan. Bake at 325 degrees 1 hour and 10 minutes, or until golden. Cool cake in pan on rack 10 minutes. Remove from pan and finish cooling on wire rack.

Melt white chocolate, stirring constantly, in top of double boiler set over hot, not boiling water. Set aside.

Beat cream cheese in medium bowl until smooth. Mix in remaining 1/4 cup butter, lemon juice and melted white chocolate. Generously frost top of cake, letting some frosting ooze down sides. Garnish with pecans and more dried cranberries. Makes 1 loaf.