Season’s grappling: Misty-eyed parents and grandparents were...

Season’s grappling: Misty-eyed parents and grandparents were engrossed in a children’s Christmas show at a Westside elementary school when suddenly there arose such a clatter.

It was a ‘90s kind of clatter. A man had stood up and struck his head on the video camcorder of another spectator who was on his feet in the row behind. One witness said that the outraged filmmaker pushed the other man over his seat while onlookers gasped in horror. More shoving ensued until someone shouted, “Go outside and settle it like adults!”

Instead, the combatants changed seats.

They can let the lawyers settle it later.

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Roll over, Ludwig: Friday marks the 224th birthday of Beethoven--the composer, not the dog. His statue resides in Pershing Square and, as you can see, he apparently can’t bear to look at the park’s new decorations, which include pink cylinders, orange spheres, yellow buildings and a purple tower.

The Beethoven bronze was cast before World War II through the efforts of local musicians. They not only raised the funds but provided inspiration to sculptor Arnold Foerster by playing Beethoven compositions in his studio while he worked.

When then-Mayor Frank Shaw dedicated the statue, he observed that the city was lucky to have such a splendid Los Angeles “Sympathy” Orchestra. A classical gaffe.

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We’re shocked that “L.A. Law” was canceled: As we mentioned, Simpson attorney Robert L. Shapiro was one of a dozen individuals named to Vanity Fair’s “1994 Hall of Fame.” (Another honored act was the Rolling Stones.) And, now, ABC’s Barbara Walters has included in her list of “The 10 Most Fascinating People of 1994” Menendez attorney Leslie Abramson.

Any wisecracks and we’ll hold you in contempt.

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Unclear on the concept: “I never thought of freezing and cremation together,” writes Ellen Rainier of South Gate, who contributed today’s cheerful item,

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List of the day: Here are some other findings of Only in L.A.’s army of proofreaders-at-large.

* An ad for a mobile home that listed several features, including a “putty” green. (contributed by Richard Heck)

* An ad for a structural engineer that said he or she “must be expendable.” (Brian Linder)

* A newspaper account of a motorist who was pulled over by police because he had been spotted driving 60 m.p.h. in a “300-m.p.h. zone.” (John Suderman)

* An ad for a package of chicken breasts with “ribs attacked.” (Mary Fosselman)

* A crime log that reported juveniles “throwing rocks and homes and cars.” (Nancy Podesta).

And, finally, a restaurant flyer sent in by Bob Sherman that said, “Fresh Cook When Ordering.” Sherman wonders if the cook ever gets slapped. Or attacked by chicken breasts.

miscelLAny:

Whimsical Will Simpson, the wild newscaster on Dr. Demento’s radio show, says that if you’re the type who grows tired of Christmas carolers long before Dec. 25, you are not alone. Simpson says this condition has been identified as “Pre-Minstrel Syndrome.”