LAUGH LINES : Jokes
Christmas cheer: Comedy writer Alan Ray says biblical scholars have determined that Mary and Joseph went to Bethlehem to keep the baby away from King Herod: “Under his Contract with Judeah, poor kids would be placed in orphanages.”
Ray also notes that presents given the Child perplexed the couple. “Where do you return myrrh?”
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on a group of North Carolina farmers hiring night watchmen and dogs to stop the theft of Christmas firs: “Two teen-agers were arrested for stealing trees and ‘joy decorating’ them.”
Among David Letterman’s Top 10 ways you’ll know Santa doesn’t like your kid:
* Kid’s letter to North Pole comes back stamped, “Dream on, Chester!”
* Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.
* Christmas day, your kid winds up with a reindeer head in his bed.
* Instead of “naughty,” or “nice,” Santa has him on the “dork” list.
* Sends him off on one of those Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee.
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In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on House Banking Chairman Jim Leach’s announcement of next summer’s Whitewater hearings: “How much trouble is Clinton in? Rosey Grier was recently seen coming in and out of the White House.”
Jay Leno, on former Governor Mario Cuomo’s remarks about politicians who follow “sheep”: “Remember the old days when you only had to worry about them following hookers and underage girls?”
Peyser, on Los Angeles’ exclusion from a lucrative new federal program to help rebuild neighborhoods: “The good news: The city did get a grant for Rebuild L.A. to redesign its logo.”
Reader Alex Pearlstein, on the opening of the new Planet Hollywood at Orlando’s Disney World: “A health inspector saw Mickey poking around the kitchen and cited the eatery for vermin infestation.”
Comedy writer Marc Alan Holmes, on discussions of the possible disbanding of the Ku Klux Klan: “Good thing too, they always were a bunch of no-good sheet heads.”
Culled from a “Luggage 4 Less” ad in Tuesday’s Times: “The Boyt Glider Luggage System. In Four Well-Traveled Sizes: Weekends, Vacations, Cruise and Witness Relocation.”
Leno, on Wausau Insurance reversing its decision to pay for a New York man’s heart transplant after the operation had already been performed: “Well, in some ways you can understand the insurance company turning it down; they figure if they can get by without a heart, so can everyone else!”
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Reader Paul Freeman accompanied his daughter to the mall to buy some pants. A salesperson led them to a dressing room outfitted with a nice bench, a mirror and a couple of hooks. The little girl sat on the bench, looked around and said:
“Daddy, this is a nice apartment!”