Posting Good Cheer : Venice : * ZIP: 90291 : * Number of people in line upon arrival: 21 : * Number of people in line upon departure: 20

This time of year, I’m always warmed by Christmases past--like 1991, when I went to the Venice post office to mail gifts. At one point during my 90-minute wait I found myself seated across from a man with a rather sizable snake wrapped around his neck. But I got there first and wasn’t about to give up my cherished seat just because of some big ol’ boa.

Last year’s Christmas mailing took nearly two hours.

I knew it was going to be bad this year when I passed the parking lot and it had that SigAlert look.

Upon entering the post office, I noticed lots of people sitting, standing, otherwise looking miserable. This was not good. I eyed the number counter on the wall. No. 58 was being waited on. I slowly walked to the number machine to see what fate awaited me. Argh. No. 79. Dread hit me like a box marked “Fragile.”

To pass the time, I prayed for a few customer outbursts. Perhaps No. 60, patience long gone, would shout, “This is an outrage!” Maybe a pregnant woman would waddle in with the bogus announcement that she was in the last stages of labor and wondered if she could cut in line to mail her gifts. Instead, it was so quiet you could hear a postage stamp drop.

For two minutes no number was called, so I decided to brush up on my postal knowledge. A certificate of mailing costs 50 cents. Seeds and catalogues are third-class mail and books are fourth-class. No envie efectivo in Spanish means Don’t send cash in English.

Finally, at 10:02, 59 was called. I was about to brush up on money order costs and express mailings when 60 was called (10:02), 61 (10:03), 62 and 63 (10:04), 64 and 65 (10:06), 66 (10:07), 67 and 68 (10:08), 69 (10:09), 70 and 71 (10:10), 72 (no show) and 73 (10:12).

For what seemed like an eternity, the numbers stopped. Finally, at 10:15, 74 was summoned, followed by 75 (no show), 76 (10:15), 77 (no show), 78 (10:16) and finally me at 10:17.

Thirty seconds later, my parcel was headed in one direction and I in another with the kind postal clerk’s words still ringing in my ears, “Have a nice day.”

Would someone just pinch me?

Total time: 17 minutes.