Tabloid Trash Has Potential as Cultural Asset

It was a blue Christmas at Los Angeles City Hall. Here we are, a world-class city with world-class problems--riots, earthquakes, crack, the Clippers. And when Washington sought bids for the biggest urban renewal program in decades--a program inspired by the L.A. riots of ‘92--City Hall figured we had it in the bag.

“They said that as long as our name was on a paper,” Councilman Mike Hernandez recalled, “we’d get it.”

Alas, L.A. was just too confident about its miseries. Just before Christmas, Los Angeles lost the grand prize, a program worth $1.5 billion to $3 billion over five years. A Times investigation largely confirmed this unsigned critique found in city files: “Plan has no focus. . . . There is still no real strategy.”

But now, this reporter has obtained a confidential memo, familiarly addressed to Mayor Richard Riordan, that contains provocative ideas that weren’t included in the city’s final bid proposal. Was the city too timid? You be the judge.

To: Dick

From: B.

Re: Vision

Thank you for inviting me and my staff to contribute ideas for spending the federal monies destined to come our way due to your brilliant hands-on leadership. Here’s a few that struck us as especially promising:

Tabloid Cultural Square--Intense public interest in the trials of O.J. Simpson, the Menendez brothers and Heidi Fleiss has revealed the inadequacy of existing facilities. Los Angeles should not be ashamed of its star-making machinery; indeed, we have perfected the art. We should honor our city’s pioneering role in the blurring of news and entertainment.

We envision Tabloid Cultural Square as a public-private partnership that will merge the courts and show biz. L.A., after all, is assured of a steady supply of celebrity cases, both criminal and civil, lurid crimes and colorful lawyers.

Today, the criminal justice system is a burden on taxpayers, but only because seating is limited and free. By providing large “court arenas”’ and selling tickets--indeed, why not luxury boxes?--TCS would help crime pay for itself. We’re talking win-win here. Boring civil trials could be resolved in a game show format, perhaps with verdicts decided by an applause-o-meter, or with Judge Wapner shouting, “Survey says!”

Just as Broadway draws tourists to New York, TCS will do the same for Los Angeles. Plus, L.A. could build the architectural monument it lacks. Frank Gehry might make a odd-looking symphony hall, but just imagine if he brought his populist sensibilities to TCS! (Something yellow, we trust, with an electronic news ticker blaring the latest headlines.) Or maybe we could let Oliver Stone give architecture a try. (Just a thought.)

Mutually Assured Peace ‘n’ Profit--Gun control efforts have been an utter failure. It’s time for L.A. to embrace its Wild West roots and instead adopt the policy advocated by many gun enthusiasts: the encouragement of gun possession--by all people at all times. Just as the policy of “mutually assured destruction” prevented Armageddon during the Cold War, the specter of a public bristling with firepower should help us all sleep easier--and create jobs!

Remember, trends start in Los Angeles; before long all of America will follow our lead. With tax breaks and seed money, we can lure more weapons manufacturers to our fair city, and thus become a leading exporter, always creating more and trendier weaponry. Ad agencies can be awarded grants to produce campaigns promoting weaponry as a fashion accessory (“the Uzi look”).

The National Rifle Assn., of course, should be a great ally. Education and safety programs could be tailored to specific needs. A class in drive-by marksmanship for gang members, for example, may decrease the amount of collateral damage among people who naively shun self-protection options. (Sentimental phrases such as “innocent bystanders” should be discouraged; instead, we must stress the personal responsibility and higher social purpose of assault rifles, armor-piercing ammunition, rocket launchers, flame-throwers, et al.)

Our Own “Chunnel”--Ridership figures raise questions about whether Metro Rail is worth the billions spent on this project. Still, Metro Rail is a proven source of campaign contributions, not to mention jobs for construction workers, engineers and bureaucrats.

With all that whining from Hollywood merchants about sinking streets, and from Valleyites about the best rail route on their turf, perhaps we should avoid densely populated areas and extend the rail line west from Long Beach to Avalon . . .

And so on. Too bad we’re out of space. It’s understandable why officials might hesitate about some of these plans. But why they passed on Tabloid Cultural Square is beyond me.