Laugh Lines : Jokes

Hey Paula . . . A judge has ruled that President Clinton will not have to answer charges that he sexually harassed Paula Jones until after he leaves office.

* “Clinton campaign workers already have begun printing ’96 bumper stickers that say: ‘Four more years--of executive privilege.’ ” (Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness)

* “In a related ruling, the court held that a pair of Jockey shorts with the Arkansas governor’s seal will be admissible as evidence.” (Bob Mills)

* “Of course, people think the President will tell the truth under oath. Judging by the way he’s kept his wedding vows and campaign promises, who could doubt him?” (Argus Hamilton)

* “The court also ruled that Jones’ nude photos in Penthouse were ‘hot,’ but they were not as good as Tonya Harding’s in a previous issue.” (Tony Peyser)

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In the news: Jay Leno, on Newt Gingrich appearing on TNT before the movie “Boys Town” was shown last week: “It was a great idea. I always like it when they show a cartoon before the main feature.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the President saying his reelection in ’96 is not uppermost on his mind: “It’s Whitewater first, then reelection.”

Hamilton, on Kansan Dan Glickman being named the next Secretary of Agriculture: “It’s not a done deal. He still has to be confirmed, and the Tyson board of directors doesn’t meet for a month.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on the new armor-piercing bullets: “Politicians are in no danger. Nothing ever gets through to them.”

Peyser, on the innocent plea of Edward J. Leary, accused in the New York subway bombing: “He told reporters that he has proof that LAPD detective Mark Fuhrman planted the bomb on his lap.”

Mills, on the closing of Chasen’s: “All equipment in the legendary eatery will be auctioned, including several booths with agents still in them.”

Mills, on Philip Morris changing the image of the Marlboro Man: “For the first time, the macho cowpoke will be allowed to smile--as though he just received word his chest X-ray was normal.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on other inmates’ complaints about special treatment for O.J.: “It’s most obvious at mealtime. His food is always served on the good tin.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the death of the female killer whale that was born in captivity Nov. 20 at Sea World of Texas: “Funeral services will be held nationwide at all Red Lobsters.”

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Eileen Diaz of Marina del Rey tells of the first time her friend’s daughter noticed her mother’s appendix scar. Mom explained that she got very sick and the doctor had to take out her appendix. That night, the girl waited for her father to come home, and when he walked in, she said, “Daddy, did you know the doctor cut Mommy open and took out her pancakes?” Without missing a beat, her father replied:

“That’s what she gets for eating her own cooking!”