A Gingrich-Inspired ‘Contract With Hollywood’

With the Newt Year upon us, why not a Gingrich-inspired “Contract With Hollywood” for studio executives, filmmakers and stars? Here’s a suggestion of how one might read:

Resolved, that within the first 100 days of returning from Aspen, Vail, Maui and St. Bart, we shall bring up for public discussion these issues, each to be given full and open debate:

1. Fiscal Responsibility Act: Support an Honest Budget Amendment in which studio executives will no longer claim publicly that a movie whose real budget has soared well past $120 million is still only a $60-million film.

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2. The Personal Responsibility Act: When a film bombs, studio executives will not blame previous regimes that left three or more years earlier. Nor will they take all the credit for a hit film that opens less than one month after they started work at the studio.

Studio executives, directors and stars who themselves are obsessed with movie grosses will no longer complain that it’s the press that pays way too much attention to box office numbers.

Executives will no longer say publicly that a movie that bombs at the box office in its opening weekend is still “finding its audience.”

Stars, especially action heroes, will no longer proclaim they really didn’t want to do a particular kind of movie but couldn’t resist because they “fell in love with the script” or that “Hollywood won’t let them” play any other kind of role.

No sequel will be developed unless the original did at least $100 million at the domestic box office. No claims will be made that the sequel is as good or better than the original.

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3. Common Sense Autobiography Act: The number of books written by sitcom stars will be limited to three in any 12-month period.

No one who hasn’t yet lived to age 40 will write an autobiography or have a TV movie made about his or her life.

No one will play him- or herself in a television movie about his or her life (see Joan Rivers).

Limit of one autobiography per lifetime (see Lauren Bacall).

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4. Presidential Limits Act: The number of “president” titles will be reduced at studios by 50% over five years, with the eventual elimination of all titles of “president of marketing,” “president of distribution” and “president of production.”

As a result of the elimination of said titles, calls placed by executives at the senior vice president level will be returned within a week by the person called.

An immediate moratorium will go into effect on the awarding of “vice chairman” titles.

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5.”Whatever Happened to Those Lost Skiers in Aspen?” Act: There will be a mandatory 15-day waiting period for anyone wishing to purchase the movie rights to any real-life news event, in case the stories of heroism and survival start to unravel.

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6. The Gilligan-Gomer Act: Limit to five the number of 1960s and ‘70s television shows that can be developed into feature-length films in any given year.

No film projects will be developed based on “Supertrain,” “Hank” or “Hello, Larry.”

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7. Entitlement Cuts Act: Anyone making an annual salary of $100,000 or more who is fired from a studio won’t automatically receive a three-year production deal, an office on a lot and a press release saying that the reason he or she is making the move is because he or she misses the creative end of the business.

Any Screen Actors Guild member appearing more than five minutes a year in a film or TV show will not automatically get from any studio a vanity production company complete with an office, staff, fax machines and no requirement that a movie be made during the star’s lifetime.

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8. Term Limits: “Three strikes and you’re out” rule will apply to studio executives, producers, directors and stars who can’t make a hit film.

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9. Family Film Reinforcement Act: Reduce by 50% over three years the number of films loosely referred to as “family films.”

Narrow the definition of a family film from the current “anything under an R rating.”

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10. Older Citizens Rights Act: The average age at which studio executives are forced out of their jobs and made to take production deals will be raised from 35 to 45.

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11. Soundtrack Honesty Act: No soundtracks will contain more than four songs “inspired by the motion picture” (see “Speed”) that never appear in the film.

Songs must be heard clearly in the movie for at least 10 seconds for their full versions to be on soundtrack albums. Limit baby boomer nostalgia songs to six per soundtrack (see “Forrest Gump”).

Now a few predictions for 1995:

Time Warner, which has spent millions on its interactive TV project in Orlando, Fla., wiring about a dozen homes so far, will double its subscriber base before the year is out.

Some of the subscribers will try to use the interactive systems to cancel Time Warner’s HBO because they’ve seen all of the movies on video already.

There will be rumors that Barry Diller will run something, Ted Turner wants to buy something, John Malone wants to buy something or one or all of the networks are for sale.

Author Anne Rice will sign a deal with a publisher to write books analyzing the movie versions of her novels.

Viacom’s Sumner Redstone and Frank Biondi will top one of the lists of the most powerful people in entertainment. Accompanying article will note that Redstone is so tenacious he once narrowly escaped death in a hotel fire.

The “Dream Team” of Steven Spielberg, David Geffen and Jeffrey Katzenberg will come up with some cosmic name for the studio (Ursa Major Pictures) or something flip. Conventional wisdom will be that the three should have stuck with Dream Team or used Spielberg’s Amblin name.

Without asking anyone first, Jimmy Carter will volunteer to mediate a peace agreement between Fox and NBC.