LAUGH LINES : Jokes

The Newt Congress: “Opening day for the 104th Congress and House Speaker Newt Gingrich threw out the first orphan.” (Jay Leno)

* “Sen. Bob Packwood told CNN that each lawmaker should concentrate on cutbacks. Bob’s leading the way, down from a high of 27 sexual harassment charges in 1993 to a budgeted maximum of three this year.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “The House spent the day cutting staff and slashing committees. The chaplin’s opening prayer was answered--he just made the cut.” (Hamilton)

* “Rep. Sonny Bono took the floor to announce his ‘recording contract with America,’ in which he promised a grateful nation never to sing in public again.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “One GOP lawmaker argued that taxpayer money should no longer be used to answer Socks the cat’s fan mail. It will be discussed when Congress votes on the proposed feline-item veto.” (Pearlstein)

* “Senate Republicans says their first step is to wipe out 100 programs. For a start, how about ‘Roseanne?’ ” (Stan Kaplan)

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. . . and then you die: Comedy writer Jerry Gilbert on what Gingrich’s mom whispered to Connie Chung about the First Lady: “Newt’s going to have a bitch of a time dealing with this.”

Adds comedy writer Alan Ray: “What a House Speaker! One day on the job and he’s already come up with something both parties can agree on.”

Hamilton says Hillary’s position shows the double standard strong women face every day in the workplace: “A man has to invade Europe to be called ruthless. A woman just has to put a man on hold.”

And finally . . . Reader R. Alex Kaseberg of La Jolla says that “despite what you hear, CBS does not stand for Chung Betrays Secrets.”

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In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Wednesday’s storm: “Flooding was so bad in Orange County that officials were able to float a new bond issue.”

Reader Paul Ecker of Diamond Bar, on one woman stranded in her car during the floods: “When she was finally rescued by police, she asked for a warm blanket and something hot to drink. Police replied, ‘Who do you think you are, O. J.?’ ”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Washington state legislators’ opposition to weight rooms for prison inmates: “None of the lawmakers volunteered to tell the prisoners about this decision, which proves they’re no dumbbells.”

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When Beverly Hills reader Laurie Holz’s son Michael was 5, his kindergarten class was learning to recite and identify all five senses--sound, sight, taste, touch and smell. His teacher reported, however, that as the lesson drew to a close, Michael waved an impatient hand and said:

“What about the sense of humor?”