Laugh Lines : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Democrats’ agenda: “It calls for health care, avoiding teen pregnancy and job retraining. That’s one for each member of the First Family, but what about the rest of us?”

Jay Leno, on Newt Gingrich’s week: “He started it with his ‘contract with America’ and ended it with a contract on Connie Chung.”

Hamilton, quoting President Clinton as saying he liked what he heard during the opening of Congress: “It’s about time somebody stood up to Hillary.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Clinton receiving the traditional phone call telling him there was a new Speaker of the House: “That was followed by the traditional call to get him to switch back to AT&T.;”

Jon Nalick, on former Vice President Dan Quayle’s appendectomy: “It always hurts a presidential candidate to have an inflamed, useless appendage at his side. Remember George Bush in ‘92?”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the new elementary school in Arkansas named for the President: “All the kids know the rules. If you get caught cheating, you can claim executive privilege.”

Comedy writer Leslie Coogan, on Gingrich’s plan to take away the poor’s welfare benefits and kids, and give them laptop computers: “Does he really think we’d trade our kids for a measly laptop computer? Now, if I had a modem. . . .”

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The Simpson: Ryan, on rumors that Robert Shapiro has been demoted by O.J.: “That means he’s only entitled to O.J.’s second-born child.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the defense dropping the DNA challenge: “Shapiro decided to skip the monthlong hearing after O.J. paid his last fee installment in pesos.”

Judge Lance Ito will give jurors 48 hours to prepare for sequestration. Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness says that’s enough time to “pack their belongings, say goodby to families and sign their book deals.”

Comedy writer Mel Golob says Marcia Clark is sure she’ll get the information she needs from trial witnesses: “Then again, she’s no Connie Chung.”

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Philatelaughs, redux: “The Postal Service inadvertently misplaced the first sheet of the new Marilyn Monroe stamps, but later located them between sheets of JFK stamps.” (Mark Miller)

* “There’s also a new third-class Madonna stamp. It looks like the Monroe, but a lot cheaper.” (Leno)

* “The Monroe stamp: You can either lick it or have Ethel Kennedy spit on it.” (Mills)

* “The Monroe stamp is one unique piece of postage. It licks the JFK stamp.” (Ray)

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Encino reader Marjorie Katz hosted granddaughter Joelle, 5, for an overnight visit. While they ate and visited in the kitchen, Katz’s husband leaned over and kissed his wife. Joelle immediately yelled out:

“Uh - oh, PG-13, PG-13!”