LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Stone Age art discovered in France: “In small lettering beside the 20,000-year-old drawings of bison, reindeer and rhinos is the inscription: ‘For a good time, call Oggette.’ ”

Jay Leno, on French officials trying to keep sightseers and tourists from damaging the drawings: “They actually came up with a pretty good idea: ‘Put up a sign, charge $25 and call it EuroDisney.’ ”

David Letterman, on Ted Kennedy rejecting the “New Democrat” label: “Actually, the label he prefers is ‘Old Grand-Dad.’ ”

Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness, on the baby girl born in New Orleans 95 days after her twin brother: “The girl shoved her brother out because she wanted her own womb.”

Adds comedy writer Alex Pearlstein: “The only recorded case of longer labor pains is in Major League Baseball.”

Comic Jenny Church, on The Newt’s attack on federal funding for PBS: “He’s demanding a new announcer tag that says, ‘Sesame Street’ has not been brought to you by the letters G , O and P .”

Mills, on the recent survey that shows 87% of Americans support such funding: “The results would have been announced sooner, but the polling was constantly interrupted by pledge breaks.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the gunmen in Fullerton who tried to rob a Domino’s driver who turned out to be a cop: “A dozen arrests were made, all in 30 minutes or less.”

Adds Church: “The suspects are all in county jail, housed in the new Buffalo Wing.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on last week’s earthquakes in Oklahoma, Japan and Colombia: “This hits me personally. These three places are responsible for my life, my car and my inability to breath properly through the left side of my nose.”

Hamilton adds that the big Japan quake reminded Californians of their own safety instructions: “First, stand under a doorway. And second, make sure that doorway is in Cleveland.”

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Cirque du O. J.: “F. Lee Bailey and Robert Shapiro say they have buried the hatchet. If I’m not mistaken, I think they buried it right next to the knife.” (Leno)

* “Judge Lance Ito ruled on the stalking evidence: “Evidence of O.J. stalking Nicole is admissible. Evidence of Shapiro stalking Bailey is not.” (Mills)

* “Shapiro and Bailey have given a whole new meaning to the term, ‘opening argument.’ ” (Thom Sharp)

* “One question about Judge Ito allowing conjugal visits and haircuts for the jury: Is the barber expected to provide both services? If so, he’s going to be raising and lowering that chair a lot.” (Leno)

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Culver City reader Dave Christianson was talking with his daughter-in-law and grandsons Tim, 10, and Travis, 7. “Tim, don’t you have something to tell Grandpa?” his mother prompted. “Oh yeah,” Tim replied, “I won a literary contest at school.” When his turn came, Travis was not to be outdone. He said proudly:

“I just got off three days’ detention!”

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