LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on the President saying families can prevent teen pregnancies by talking: “He had a heart-to-heart chat with Chelsea: ‘Soon you’ll be meeting boys who remind you of me,’ he told her. ‘Stay away from them.’ ”

Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on The Newt saying Bill Clinton “would be a good guy to have a beer with”: “Oh, sure. Anything he can do to keep Bill out late and further irritate Hillary.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Dan Quayle saying he’s the most qualified to be President because of his previous White House experience: “Right. He knows where all the coffee filters are hidden, and he’s the only one who can jiggle the toilet handle to keep it from running all night.”

Holmes, on word that baggy, grunge clothing is hiding a generation of overweight teens: “But don’t call them fat. They’re hiding a gun in there too.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on opening night of “Miss Saigon” in Los Angeles: “When the life-sized helicopter was lowered to the stage, it was the first on-time arrival by an aircraft in L. A. in three months.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Mario Cuomo appearing in a Frito Lay ad during the Super Bowl: “You can tell he’s a Democrat. At the end of the commercial, he’s left holding the bag.”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on the $75-million “Star Trek” entertainment center planned for the Las Vegas Hilton: “The casino will still be the same as before, except now you lose your money at warp speed.”

Adds comic Jenny Church: “It’ll have a special rule for blackjack: You can double down or beam up.”

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Cirque du O.J. . . . “Johnnie Cochran advised jurors not to rush to judgment: ‘Take your time, we’re being paid by the hour.’ ” (Ray)

* “Both sides are so relieved that Judge Ito allowed the cameras to stay in the courtroom. Guilty or not guilty, being canceled is the death penalty in this town.” (Hamilton)

* “O.J. should have been allowed to make an opening statement. He could have started with a couple jokes. If he started bombing, he could have used the classic comeback line: What is this, an audience or a jury? “ (Terry Heath)

* “Cochran says O.J.’s arthritis was so bad that he couldn’t shuffle a deck of cards the day of the killings. Maybe so, but he’s not accused of playing Go Fish with Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Cochran’s timeline poster put Marcia Clark’s outfit at 1970.” (Brad Halpern)

* “He was too old, had too many injuries, couldn’t possibly have committed such a heinous act. But enough about Clinton and Paula Jones.” (Ryan)

* “The judge is allowing the jury to watch the Super Bowl on Sunday. But he is prohibiting them from doing ‘the wave.’ ” (Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness)

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Fullerton reader Al Kempik’s granddaughter Brooke, 7, was practicing her handwriting by filling out a standard form. When she asked her grandmother how old she was, the woman replied with the time-honored fib: “I’m 29.” On hearing this, Brooke said:

“My mother is 30, so she’s older than you. Did you get to start over?’