Demystifying Depression Can Only Make Blues Less So

I flustered my mother once by telling her that I occasionally like to listen to music that depresses me. I thought I was scoring points for sharing; all it did was ruin her night.

“Why would you want to be depressed?” she asked.

As I learned at that moment, it’s a difficult thing to explain. When you live alone, you can get depressed whenever you want and no one’s the wiser. When someone actually asks you to explain yourself, you sound insipid.

So I just shrugged and said, “I don’t know,” and she trundled off to bed, no doubt wondering why she ever came to visit such a sad sack of a son.

We’re taught early that moping is something to be avoided, like playground bullies. Boys, especially, are taught that if they cry, they’re sissies. “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” was the name of a song that won the Grammy several years ago.

And yet the blues are inevitable. Wouldn’t our children be one step ahead of the game if they were taught early that getting down is part of life’s fabric? In other words, we can’t avoid sometimes being depressed, but we can avoid being overwhelmed by it.

I’m not talking about clinical depression, the kind for which a person may need professional care. I’m talking about those bouts of the blues that strike without warning and that send us running for cover (or the covers).

Judy Wagner has been an educator for 33 years, 23 as a counselor. Now at Garden Grove High School, she deals with depressed students at a time in their lives when depression can seem the most overwhelming.

“What I try to tell them is this is not the only time in their life when they’re going to feel this way,” she said. “I tell them I’ve gone through this; it’s called life, and the key is developing skills so you’ll be able to deal with these feelings when they come along and to not let them drag you down. I tell them that if they don’t come to school when they’re down, or don’t do their homework, they might fail a class. By the same token, when you’re out in the real world and one of those times comes along and you don’t show up for work, you get fired.”

I was glad to hear her say that, because it’s the kind of straight shooting that teen-agers want to hear. Some parents can walk their child through a mild depression; too many others can’t. For the latter group, their idea of counseling is telling their kid to “get over it.”

I asked Wagner if students understand that depression will pass. “We need to give kids some credit,” she said, “because I think they do realize that. But the problem is kids today have more home situations that invite depression. A lot of them get out of it on their own and know that the next time it comes along, this too shall pass. But with others it’s been building and building for a long period of time.”

For some students, just an hour or so of conversation with a counselor after school can ease their minds, Wagner said. For those with more serious depression, the district has a more concentrated counseling program, she said.

*

Wagner is now seeing children of students she counseled a generation ago, she said. While life has become more stressful for youngsters today, she has seen some breakthroughs. “I’ve noticed in (recent) years that kids are much more willing to come forward, boys included, and talk about the fact that they’re really down and how they’re feeling. Kids didn’t used to do that as much,” she said.

Because I’ve never been a parent, I’ve never had the chance to test my theory that we shouldn’t sweep depression under the rug. But from being around other people’s kids, I see where the indoctrination comes from: There are few things more pleasurable than watching a baby or youngster laughing. Who wants to tell them it’ll rain on them someday and that their smile will prove to be a lousy umbrella?

Just imagine, though, how much better adjusted they’d be as adolescents or adults if parents sat them down when they were old enough and explained that some days are simply going to knock them for a loop.

Imagine, for example, how less overwhelmed a love-struck teen-ager might be if good ol’ Dad explained that a 15-minute sob session in the shower is nothing to be ashamed of.

We’re told to “laugh our cares away,” but why not cry them away and not apologize for it?

Just a thought, but why not impress upon our kids that just as joy produces naturally rich emotions, so does occasional depression? We need to tell them that getting the blues isn’t a sign of personal failure.

Why not reassure them that “a good cry” can be just that?

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.