LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on how Orange County may hire former furniture mogul Sanford Sigoloff to help straighten out the financial mess: “Bonds will be available in French Provincial, Early American and Contemporary. Investors who buy will receive a free bedroom set.”
Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on the county’s cancellation of its St. Patrick’s Day parade: “Everyone’s afraid to wear green. They think the bank might try to liquidate them.”
Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Pentagon admitting that it spends $175 million a year on Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine bands: “It’s money well spent. Otherwise, Sonny Bono will be singing ‘Hail to the Chief.’ ”
Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Chevy Chase’s drunk driving arrest: “He’ll do community service. He’ll give up his SAG card.”
Comic Jenny Church, on fuel spewing from the Discovery space shuttle: “Scientists scrambled to pinpoint the source of the leaks. Robert Shapiro told NASA to blame F. Lee Bailey.”
Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on the severe Netherlands flood: “It seems the little Dutch boy suffered a repetitive motion injury.”
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Among Bob Dole’s top 10 ways to balance the budget, as told to David Letterman:
* Stop paying Bill Clinton’s speech writers by the word.
* Get Letterman to pay his speeding tickets.
* Serve canned hams at all White House state dinners.
* Save government ink by replacing “William Jefferson Clinton” signature with 70% shorter “Bob Dole” signature.
* Arkansas? Sell it.
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Cirque du O.J.: “The trial continues. As viewers watch, they wonder what’s going through O.J.’s mind. Perhaps, ‘If I sell three million copies of my book at $25.95, that makes . . . ‘ “ (Ray)
* “Shapiro finally got a chance to speak out in court. Afterward, Johnnie Cochran took Shapiro for an ice cream cone--with sprinkles.” (Brad Halpern)
* “Abandoning an old custom, the migrating swallows passed up San Juan Capistrano to build new nests at Camp O.J.” (Mills)
* “After hearing former LAPD Officer Ronald Shipp’s testimony, it’s now known why there weren’t more cops at Nicole Brown Simpson’s condo the night of the murders. Most of them were playing tennis at O.J.’s house.” (Tony Peyser)
* “The trial’s on every L.A. station. Even the Weather Channel only shows the temperature inside the courtroom.” (Hamilton)
* “Cochran was even on the Bass Anglers Channel. He was fishing for more alibis.” (Paul Ryan)
* “O.J.’s neighbor’s housekeeper didn’t meet the National Enquirer’s credibility standards. Which means she probably saw what actually happened.” (Ryan)
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Eagle Rock reader Joe Marinelli was teaching high school geography when he asked his students, “What’s California’s most famous mountain?” The reply:
“Magic Mountain. “
* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.
