VALLEY Parenting : Surviving the Teen-Age Years : A Clash of Styles

If there’s one thing--perhaps since time immemorial--that parents and children have argued about, it’s the way the children dress and look.

Most adults can remember getting at least raised eyebrows from their own parents when they were kids, possibly over their short skirts, long hair, sideburns, jewelry or makeup.

Now some parents say their arguments about appearance start when children are as young as 5 or 6. By high school, concerns heighten as parents worry that some clothes could label the students as potential members of gangs or other undesirable groups.

Chris Lyon, 17, a senior at Agoura High School, has been through his share of fads. When he was in seventh grade, he got an ear pierced and began wearing an earring. Last year, he completely shaved his head as part of an effort to create a sense of unity among the cross-country track team.

Today, Chris’ extreme styles are history. He wears his hair short, but not shaved, and the earring is gone.

“My parents talked to me about why I wanted those things but didn’t tell me I couldn’t,” said Lyon. “If they had been real conservative, I would have had to fight back, and maybe would have worn something even more controversial than I wanted, just to fight.”

His younger brother Eric, a junior, said that he, too, appreciates his parents’ easygoing attitude about clothes. “It gives me a way to express who I am,” said Eric.

Matt Bordofsky, 16, also a junior at Agoura High, decided back in the eighth grade that he would dress only in black. “I was tired of looking like everyone else,” he recalled.

Bordofsky’s parents reacted with alarm. “At first,” said Neil Bordofsky, Matt’s father, “we used his desire to dress in black to control him, only allowing it if he got good grades, for example. But that was stupid; it didn’t work.”

Finally, after many arguments, the Bordofskys asked Matt if he was dressing in black to please himself or to fit in. “He aptly pointed out that if he wanted to conform, he would be wearing baggy pants, not black,” said Neil.

Parents who worry about their children’s clothes as well as their own lack of influence in that realm sometimes consult school administrators or teachers. Ronald Berz, principal at Taft High School in Woodland Hills, said that when parents come to him regarding their child’s look it’s usually a symptom that they are concerned about more than clothes.

“Behavior is still the best indicator,” said Berz, who counsels parents to watch for changes in style of dress, routine or lifestyle. A student who suddenly stops washing his hair or gets very sloppy may have changed friends, could be depressed or might be trying to attract a new crowd, he said.

But if a teen-ager continues to do well in school and still sees the same friends, a parent should be less concerned, Berz said. “It’s normal for kids to want to show some independence, and if parents are too strict, it can backfire.”

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Berz also encourages parents to start early in providing children with a good example about what styles are appropriate to different situations. From a young age, children are considerably impacted by the family’s values, he said.

For parents with younger children who are already insisting on particular styles of dress, Berz suggests that the moms and dads examine their own attitudes. Mary Lyon, mother of Eric and Chris, believes parents should talk with children--even small ones--about why the child wants to look a certain way. Such a discussion, while reaffirming the family’s own values, might also touch on the risks of an unconventional style. Lyon worries that younger children are less aware of the symbolic nature of looks, and may see a style solely as a ticket to popularity.

Lyon suggested that parents help children find other ways--beyond their clothes--to express themselves, including activities that direct their interests to something that is goal-oriented and fun, like drama or athletics.

She also offered a dose of reassurance. The storms over clothes, hair and earrings eventually pass as the family works out some level of mutual flexibility, she said. For the last two years, the Lyons have given their sons a clothing allowance and allowed them to shop for themselves. “They both have pretty good taste now,” she said.