LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on President Clinton nominating a retired Air Force officer as CIA director: “The nomination is already in trouble. The Republicans are demanding to know if he ever aborted a mission.”
Cutler Rock Comedy Network compares Presidents: “Abraham Lincoln and his wife would conduct seances at the White House. Actually, so does Clinton. He keeps conjuring up the ghost of Jimmy Carter.”
Comic Jenny Church, on today’s wedding of Roseanne and bodyguard Ben Thomas: “The minister will say, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may mooch off the bride.”
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the Houston judge reprimanded for drinking the evidence in a drunk driving case: “Police found him in an interrogation room shouting, ‘Another round of Exhibit A, on me.’ ”
Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Russian President Boris Yeltsin: “Because of his bungling of the war in Chechnya and frequent absences, his approval rating has dropped to 80 proof.”
Wonders reader Alan Jay Weiss of Santa Monica: “With all the newspaper ads offering penile enlargement procedures, wouldn’t it just be easier to take a UCLA extension course?”
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Cirque du O.J.: On Sunday’s O.J. field trip: “At one point, several jurors had to turn their heads. They got a look at Mezzaluna’s prices.” (Alan Ray)
* “It was fun for the jurors. The cops hid knives, gloves and socks around O.J.’s house and they had a scavenger hunt.” (Paul Ryan)
* “Asked what O.J. did during the eight minutes he spent inside his house, Johnnie Cochran replied: ‘He took a nap, did a little putting and applied some arthritis medicine to his weak arms and hands.’ ” (Mark Miller)
* “Among Brentwood’s yuppie observers, one resident carried a Free O.J. sign. Another sign said O.J. Guilty , while a third proclaimed Bring Back thirtysomething .” (Miller)
* “Brentwood needs to beef up neighborhood security. Most homes just have a sign on the lawn that reads, ‘Beware of Show Dog.’ ” (Hamilton)
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A doctor stopped at a local bar on his way home after work each night, and always asked for the same drink: a daiquiri with shaved almonds.
One evening, the bartender was out of almonds, so he substituted shaved hickory nuts, hoping the doctor wouldn’t notice.
The doctor took a drink, looked surprised and asked what it was.
Replied the bartender: “It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
-- Ron Matejceck, Claremont
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Manhattan Beach reader Janet Krause Jones says that a different letter of the alphabet is introduced each week in her 5-year-old son Evan’s preschool class. During the week it was the letter I, arithmetic was apparently introduced as well. Evan came home and excitedly told Mom he had learned something new:
“One plus one igloos two.”
* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.