LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Among the Top 10 surprises in “The Brady Bunch Movie,” according to David Letterman:

* Instead of Alice the live-in maid, it’s Kato the live-in houseboy.

* Bobby gets sent off to an orphanage by Newt Gingrich.

* By the end, all three of the boys have been married to Roseanne.

* Wacky new foreign cousin: Boutros Boutros-Brady.

* The kids bear a striking resemblance to Mom’s high school sweetheart, Bill Clinton.

* They keep gettin’ it on with the Osmonds.

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In the news: Jay Leno, on GOP complaints that President Clinton signed a loan deal for Mexico with no collateral: “How could the Republicans say we didn’t get any collateral? We have half its people here!”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on “Dateline NBC” admitting it had been misled by a woman claiming to have evidence a convicted murderer was innocent: “To show there were no hard feelings, the network gave her a GM pickup truck.”

Comedy writer Kevin Healey, on Dan Quayle participating in an Indiana think tank: “Currently, he’s the only member who wears a life vest.”

Reader Paul Ecker of Diamond Bar, on the opening of Hooters restaurant in Newport Beach this week: “Guest of honor was Robert Citron, Orange County’s biggest bust. Also spotted were Jesse Helms and Geraldo Rivera, two of the country’s biggest boobs.”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on plans to offer Ken and Barbie dolls based on the TV show “Baywatch”: “Like the show’s real stars, the dolls have mostly synthetic body parts and need help getting dressed.”

Peyser, on the Memphis high school that banned clothes with images of the Confederate flag or Malcolm X after a week of racial unrest: “In a gesture toward harmony, a poster is being given away with a composite face that appeals to both groups: Robert E. (Spike) Lee.”

Gary Moore (Arrow 93FM) on dietary watchdogs calling milk harmful to our health: “The only safe, nonfat foods left are plain rice cakes and hangnails.”

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7th Inning Stretch: “The baseball talks look like they could drag on for years. The new negotiators are Henry Kissinger and Le Duc Tho.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “There is a bright side. Since owners replaced the players, the next step will be to replace the water that those hot dogs are boiled in.” (Leno)

* “The Teamsters refuse to deliver beer to clubs using replacement players. Owners are in real trouble now. The plan was to get fans so drunk, they couldn’t tell the difference.” (Hamilton)

* “You can tell the replacement players are new to the big leagues. Yesterday, one treated a fan like a human being.” (Alan Ray)

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Reseda reader Marilyn Minkle’s two grandsons Noah, 9, and Aaron, 3, were fighting a war of words. Noah had been taught nonviolent argument techniques by his mother, so instead of hitting Aaron, he yelled at him in a frustrated voice:

“I wish your egg had never been fertilized!”