LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Hillary Clinton giving her inaugural gown to the Smithsonian: “It’ll be placed alongside the dresses of Truman, Roosevelt and Hoover--Margaret, Eleanor and J. Edgar.”

Adds the Cutler Rock Comedy Network: “It no longer fits her. She’s shrunk completely from view.”

Jay Leno, on The Newt’s gay half-sister speaking in Washington: “She talked about the pain of realizing that a member of her family was a politician . . . to find out that you have one of those Congress people in your home.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on The Newt telling businessmen that newspaper editors are socialists: “He accused them of brainwashing their readers, instead of allowing them to think for themselves and to make their own decisions--like Sen. Mark Hatfield.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the GOP’s furor at Republican Hatfield for voting against the balanced budget amendment: “He said he wouldn’t vote for it because of principle. That sent everybody scurrying for a dictionary.”

Hamilton, on White House aides pressing the President to ease travel restrictions to and from Cuba: “They say the time is right. The baseball season starts in a month and we’ve got to get better replacement players.”

Cutler, on the pastor who gave the eulogy at the funeral for the Florida couple he is now accused of murdering: “He told mourners he was so close to them that he called them Mom and Dad. What he didn’t tell them was what he called himself: Menendez.”

Comedy writer Brad Halpern, on New York state now having the death penalty: “Big deal. Who’d want to live there anyway?”

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Countdown: Atlanta held a celebration Tuesday to begin counting down the 500 days until the ’96 Olympics. Here are some other countdowns, says comedy writer Kevin S. Healey:

* 38 days before Richard Simmons releases video with word Sweatin’ in it.

* 40 seconds before someone in a trailer park reports a sighting of Elvis.

* 100 days before Barry Bonds begins asking, “You want fries with that?”

* 3 days before O.J. changes his alibi.

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Cirque du O.J.: “A lot of people think O.J.’s lawyers will crucify Mark Fuhrman when he testifies. I don’t think they’ll lay a glove on him.” (Russ Myers)

* “Emad Salem, star prosecution witness in the World Trade Center bombing, has admitted to so many lies that he’s been made an honorary O.J. defense witness.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Mr. Johnnie did get Detective Lange to admit that one blood sample was mistakenly given an SAT test and has been admitted to Stanford this fall.” (Mills)

* “Everyone is trying to figure out how to get Kato the Akita to testify. Of course, the dog can’t be called to the stand. Not for legal reasons, of course--it’s just not allowed on the furniture.” (Leno)

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Before moving his family from Wisconsin to Santa Monica, reader Richard Stiehm initiated a discussion about the two areas’ cultural differences.

“Dad,” daughter Carrie asked, “is the ‘F-word’ the same in L.A. as it is here?”

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