‘90s FAMILY : Let’s Make a Deal : Bribing children is a common--and sometimes necessary--part of parenting. But some say it will lead to a dependent, less generous child.

You’re in the grocery store angling your child’s tiny feet toward the shopping cart seat. She protests, her body stiff as a 2-by-4. She howls. You try rationalizing: “Mommy has to buy food so we can eat.” More howls. Finally, you whisper: “If you sit down, you can have a cookie.”

Bingo . She’s in.

The old-fashioned reward--or bribe, as some parents call it--is as much a part of parenting for most families as bedtime stories and sleepless nights. Little hands tidy up trashed rooms for dinosaur stickers. Children read for shiny quarters. And some parents trade M & Ms for doing time on potty seats.

“I don’t go for the psychological approach,” says Suzanne Beshoff, a Santa Ana mother of Nicholas, 3, and Alexandra, 6. “I even find myself saying to Alex, who can be rude: ‘If you are nice to this woman, then I will buy you a (McDonald’s) Happy Meal.’ And she’ll be the nicest kid on the face of the Earth. Bribery works.”

A number of child-behavior experts--while recoiling at using the word bribery for what they call rewards-- would agree. Using rewards to produce a desired response is a basic principle of human behavior.

The optimal use for children, experts say, is giving small rewards to establish good behavior, then doling out even smaller rewards over longer intervals.

“You don’t have to reinforce a behavior every time to maintain it,” says Myron Dembo, a professor of education psychology at USC who is a child-rearing and parenting expert. The dynamic for the child “is like a slot machine in Las Vegas. You don’t know when you are going to win the jackpot because it varies.”

Eventually, Dembo and other experts say, children internalize a particular behavior and start acting in the desired way habitually and for non-material rewards, such as an approving smile.

But not all the parenting and human behavior experts concur. Among the dissenters are Alfie Kohn, author of “Punished by Reward” (Houghton Mifflin, 1993), and Thomas Gordon, founder of Parent Effectiveness Training seminars, a human-relations training program established in San Diego in 1962. Kohn argues that rewards are extrinsic, short-term motivators that produce “mindless obedience for simple tasks.”

“Rewards, like punishment, are very effective at getting one thing: temporary obedience,” says Kohn, who lectures and writes about human behavior. “What rewards never do is help kids become caring, responsible people. Research suggests that the more you give children to behave a certain way, the less commitment and value they attribute to that behavior.”

Janie Hewson, mother of Kimberly, 5, uses rewards only when she clips Kimberly’s fingernails, a grooming detail that is particularly traumatic.

Hewson, a post-graduate psychology student who lives in Venice, says she began giving Kimberly rewards routinely years ago, “and it backfired. Every time she did anything, she wanted something. I was buying her cooperation. Now if she screams, I have to endure her for not getting what she wants. But that is my job as a parent.”

Unlike Hewson, nearly every parent interviewed for this article said they use rewards or praise. Diane Browne, a Placentia mother of two boys, 12 and 13, says rewards have paid off handsomely in her household.

“My boys are older now, so they monitor their own behavior charts,” says Browne, who has used happy faces, ice cream every Friday and meals at McDonald’s to motivate her children for more than a decade. “For every 20 minutes they practice their music and do physical work, they get 10 minutes of time on the computer. And they get 90 minutes total for the day. Behavior doesn’t happen overnight and this is behavior modification. The charts takes the place of my nagging.”

But Kohn and Gordon say rewards do not foster consideration for other people’s feelings. They also argue that rewards keep children dependent, needy and deprived.

“Studies show that children who are frequently rewarded are less generous,” Kohn says. “The only way to grow values in children from the inside out is by working with them. If they are old enough to be rewarded, they are old enough to be consulted.”

Kohn suggests rationally discussing a child’s inappropriate behavior, exploring its causes and showing the child how that action is hurting others. For those who must take their children to the grocery store (leave them at home if you can, he advises), ask the child “to participate in how we got in and out of the store without getting our ears split or feelings hurt.”

Kohn’s assertion that rewards make children less compassionate will occur only if parents give their children elaborate rewards, says Frederick Frankel, a UCLA professor of psychology specializing in child-behavior problems.

“If the reward is really big, then children will do something just for the reward,” Frankel says. “But if it is something like a stick of gum to do homework, then when the gum is gone, they forget about it and the homework is done.”

But rewards also imbue children with self-esteem and other things, says Mary O’Conner, a psychologist and program director of UCLA’s infant and preschool service.

“We know from studies that the consequences on children from not getting rewards is low self-esteem and lacking a model to learn how to internalize self-praise,” O’Conner says. “If a parent models generosity and giving praise, the tendency for the child is to repeat a behavior and to praise others and themselves. We try to get them off physical reinforcement as young as 2 years old and get them to rely on verbal praise.”

For most parents, negotiating the prickly territory of child rearing is a constant re-evaluation of successes and failures. Parenting is not a science, but rather a progressive evolution, each family forging its own path through a mire of tough situations. Very few parents can stay on the non-reward course of child rearing.

“I am against using rewards, and I try not to use them on a regular basis,” says Roshan Nozari of Santa Monica, who gives Kimia, 6, a star for getting ready on time in the morning and takes her to the toy store after enduring other errands. “But I do use it as a last resort. It works.”

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Taking Steps Toward a Rewarding Experience for All

Experts offer these guidelines for parents on the proper use of rewards or praise in child rearing:

* Do not use rewards to get your children to eat foods they don’t like. A 1980 study found that children who were fed peas without an inducement ended up liking the vegetable later in life more than those who were bribed with ice cream.

* Do not use rewards to get a child to stop crying. Children will learn that crying or other negative behavior brings them toys, candy or other rewards.

* If you must grocery shop or make your toddler wait for you for longer than five minutes, try making it interesting by bringing toys or making the child a part of the experience. If the child maintains the good behavior, you may reward him or her with something small.

* Use rewards when you are locked in a non-productive interchange with your child and there is no way to get out of it. If your 10-year-old refuses to go to sleep, tell her she can stay up the next night for her favorite television program if she’ll put herself to bed tonight.

* Use rewards judiciously. Give a small reward immediately, such as a stick of gum, instead of a bicycle much later. The aim of small rewards is to establish the behavior until the child internalizes it. Eventually, the child will do it out of habit.

* Rewards can be used to convey a sense of accomplishment, such as getting good grades, cleaning rooms or doing homework.

* Using rewards in an equitable exchange--such as telling your child to do 30 minutes of homework for 10 minutes of video-game time--teaches children about negotiations and deal-making.

* Sources: Myron Dembo, USC professor of education psychology, and UCLA psychologists Frederick D. Frankel and Mary O’Conner. Compiled from information provided by child psychologists and behaviorists from UCLA and USC.

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TACTICAL ALERT . . .

Distracting a rowdy child can be an effective ALTERNATIVE TO SPANKING, according to the Menninger Letter. Need more parenting advice? Try the Kansas Children’s Service League’s national hot line at (800) 332-6378.