Hey, GOP Hopefuls: The Brawl’s in Your Court Now

If it’s true, as the pundits say, that a year is an eternity in politics, why are elections always upon us? Wasn’t it just yesterday that the Clintons were singing “Don’t Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow),” at their victory party?

Already, the Republicans are saying the Clintons will be singing another Fleetwood Mac song after the ’96 elections: “Landslide.”

Closer to home, Pete Wilson won an election last November in which, if I understood it correctly, the future of California was at stake. Now, he’s thinking of running for President and leaving the state to the kind of Democrat who, again if I understand it correctly, would have ruined us. The only better scenario would have had Kathleen Brown being the lieutenant governor when she ran against Wilson, so that Pete could have beaten her and then turned over the state to her.

One of the good things about the Democrats holding the White House is that we get to watch Republicans go after each other. After listening to them whine for years about the media bias against them, I can’t wait to see what they say about each other. The primaries will be even more entertaining because the Republican candidates will be like lions and jackals smelling the blood of Bill Clinton, and I’ve seen enough Discovery channel documentaries to know how they react when there’s a dead donkey in their midst. My only regret so far is that Dan Quayle won’t be in the race so he could have learned in what high esteem his fellow Republicans held him.

The Republican field is still forming, with Sen. Bob Dole apparently the next official batter up. He’s 72, and the spin for his candidacy is almost a parody of political campaign packaging: Let’s give one more shot to the World War II generation.

There’s no cynicism like political cynicism, but trotting out World War II again has got to take the cake. Dole has been making the rounds on TV shows and, lo and behold, showing his previously untapped old softy side. That’s meant to counter his longstanding reputation as a sourpuss, and it’s almost comical to picture his strategists telling him that America is ready for a trip down memory lane.

And what’s more nostalgic than World War II? We celebrated the 50th anniversary of D-day last year, and this year we’ll be doing the 50th anniversary of the end of the war, and, hey, why not capitalize on Bob Dole’s war wounds 50 years after the fact?

It’s pathetic, when you stop and think about it, because the valor that Dole and his comrades showed when it counted shouldn’t be trivialized by a political campaign 50 years after the fact. But, after all, there is Clinton and this thing with Vietnam, and if it’s worth a few points . . .

Behind Dole, the acknowledged front-runner, the cast is even less inspiring. There’s Wilson (although I have a $5 bet with a friend that he eventually won’t be a candidate) and a bunch of guys named Moe.

The candidates who would have added some spice to the race (Kemp, Bennett and Quayle come to mind) aren’t running, and the leftovers are, in a word, yuck. Two of them--Phil Gramm and Pat Buchanan--might not even make it to the primaries next year because, I hear, they’re starring in a new movie, “Mean and Meaner.”

In years past, the Democrats in the primary field were likened to the Seven Dwarfs or some such, but I guess that was just that liberal media bias showing again. For this group of Republicans in these angry times, I’d suggest something like the name of the ‘60s old rock group Cannibal and the Headhunters.

As the Republicans gird for battle, the Democrats plod along. There’s been some talk of challenges to President Clinton from either Dick Gephardt or Bill Bradley, a couple of sharp cookies but not exactly incandescent campaigners. Close your eyes and picture a Gephardt-Bradley debate. OK, keep them closed . . . you’re getting sleepy . . . your eyelids are growing heavy . . . you are now in a deep sleep.

Nobody likes a smart-aleck, so I’ll shut up. But, trust me, you’ll be begging for a little levity in a few months as the ’96 campaign gets underway in ’95.

Parting thought: The Democrats are worried, but the solution to their problems is quite simple. Republicans think Clinton is ripe for picking, but the Democrats could easily cook up a plan to retain the White House. It requires only that Vice President Al Gore fall on his sword and be replaced on the ’96 ticket by Colin Powell.

A Clinton-Powell ticket would be exciting and unbeatable. Gore would be promised the vice presidential spot in 2000 when Powell ran for President. The Democrats would win again and, well, you get the picture.

Do I have to do all the Democrats’ thinking for them?

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday.