Richard Jeni on . . .

* Hollywood: “In the hierarchy of respect, movies are God, TV is scum, and stand-up is somewhere between porno and dwarf-tossing.”

* Pornography: “They should call it ‘stuff that never happens to you--ever--starring women you will never be with.’ ”

* Success: “Financially, I’m doing well. I’ve gone beyond the platinum American Express card and have applied for the Kryptonite card. It’s so powerful you can walk up to people and demand $500 in cash.”