LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on Pat Buchanan, who ate lunch in New Hampshire yesterday: “There is no mistaking where he stands on affirmative action. He ordered a grilled cheese on angry white bread.”

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on a recent survey showing that 40% of women will answer the phone during sex: “Another 25% actually order the vinyl siding.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the lifting of the ban on elective surgery at the mistake-plagued Tampa hospital: “A spokesman said, ‘Patients would give their right arm to be operated on here . . . or was it their left?’ ”

Comedy writer Bob Lacey, on Saturday being Earth Day: “The way things are going, let’s hope it doesn’t turn into a retirement party.”

Comic Jenny Church, on Luciano Pavarotti’s new men’s fragrance: “It contains alcohol, lemons and tobacco. If a woman wears it, she’ll be more desirable to men. Because she’ll smell like a sports bar.”

* Or, adds comedy writer Jerry Perisho, the scent might be called “Sweaty Rented Tuxedo.”

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Among comedy writer Jack Thomas’ top warning signs that you need a new lawyer:

* “You met him in prison.”

* “His law books are from Time-Life.”

* “He plays his Game Boy during the trial.”

* Prosecutors see him and high-five each other.”

* “His last good case was a Budweiser.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Attorney Barry Scheck’s done so much baiting, he’s in danger of being hissed by Greenpeace.” (Stan Kaplan)

* “Judge Ito’s been forced to put the aggressive Scheck back in his place. Unfortunately, it wasn’t back to New York.” (Brad Halpern)

* “If Marcia Clark gets Kato Kaelin on the stand again, she plans to throw his book at him.” (Eric Cocks)

* “Defense lawyers are criticizing Mazzola. They claim the detectives should have used butter.” (Church)

* “The one common concern jurors expressed to Ito this week: Juror 492 is lactose-intolerant.” (Perisho)

* “Defense lawyers confirm that Dennis Fung’s handshake wasn’t as innocent as it appeared. He had a hidden joy buzzer.” (Bob Mills)

* “Kato’s 15 minutes of fame may be turning into 3-5 for perjury.” (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

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La Puente reader Joe Rodriguez worked as an ice cream man. A friendly woman and her daughter, 5, were on his regular route, and often invited him into their studio apartment for lemonade. One day, the woman and Rodriquez were seated on the edge of her bed to look at some family photos. The phone rang and the child got up to answer it. When the caller asked for her mom, the girl replied:

“My mother is in bed with the ice cream man.” * SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.