LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on Boston surgeons successfully transplanting brain tissue from a pig into a man: “The man’s brain didn’t reject it. Now that pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men for years.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on federal regulators reinstating funds to the Tampa hospital that amputated the wrong foot, took the wrong patient off life support and almost sterilized the wrong woman: “Apparently the Feds felt that’s close enough for government work.”

* Adds comedy writer Kevin S. Healey: “Doctors there may now operate again, but only on patients with well-developed senses of humor.”

Healey, on tenor Luciano Pavarotti’s new, self-named, men’s fragrance: “It’s described as a ‘scent so sexy, she won’t even notice how fat you are.’ ”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Bob Dole’s presidential bid: “He knows corporate America better than most. You get real close to people when you are wrapped around their fingers.”

Hamilton, on workers finally finishing repairs to the White House heating ducts: “It’s not a moment too soon. During the last cold snap, the Clintons had to keep warm by burning all of Hillary’s big plans.”

Leno, on Gennifer Flowers’ new book, in which she says President Clinton was a great lover: “That’s got to be frustrating for him. The first time in two years anybody’s written anything nice about him, and he has to deny it.”

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on the National Football League draft: “Most teams got what they needed. The Jets got offensive linemen, the Falcons a defensive end and the Rams got furniture movers and maps to St. Louis.”

Cutler, on basketball star Shaquille O’Neal saying that he paints his toenails: “Suddenly, Dennis Rodman doesn’t seem all that weird.”

Healey, on the Pontiac, Mich., judge who ruled the local Elks clubs must admit women: “Which means that from now on, the secret Elks handshake must be performed with pants on.”

*

Cirque du O.J.: “The 25-year-old woman juror wants off the case, saying she can’t take it any more. Don’t know if she was referring to the sequestration or Barry Scheck’s cowlick.” (Cutler)

* “Judge Lance Ito patiently listened to complaints of being sick of the trial, fed up with all the bickering and wanting out. Then he told O.J. to return to his cell. (Bob Mills)

* “How big are the blunders by members of the coroner’s office? They’re getting sympathy calls from Robert McNamara.” (Cutler)

* “Kato Kaelin is working on an exercise video. You put the cassette in the VCR. You punch play. OK, folks, that’s enough for one day! “ (Ray)

* “To demonstrate its support for Earth Day and the environment, the Dream Team has pledged to use only recyclable alibis.” (Mills)

*

Riverside reader Deniece Heredia-Wagner’s daughter Danielle, 12, offered to type index cards to organize family videotapes. Forced to use her dad’s manual typewriter, the girl examined it from top to bottom, then asked:

“How do you turn it on?”

*

SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.