For Openers, Some People Will Do Anything for a Buck

Baseball’s back?

Has it been 257 days already?

What are we supposed to do--leap to our feet and applaud, cancel dinner plans, gas up the car, fight through rush-hour traffic, sprint to the gate, plunk down a hard-earned dollar bill and devote 3 1/2 hours to the Angels (47-68 in 1994) and the Detroit Tigers (53-62 in 1994) as they try to out-error one another?

With the Ducks and the Sharks battling it out for eighth place across the street at the same time?

If the Angels are right about their expectations for a crowd of 50,000-plus, isn’t it true that some people will do anything for a buck?

Or might this mean that 50,000-plus pastry connoisseurs are paying $1 for the right to buy a cinnamon roll on a cool April night?

“Get ‘em while they’re hot!” can’t mean the Angels and the Tigers, can it?

Doesn’t it seem strange--the Angels giving away outfield seats, instead of outfielders?

Why didn’t the Angels do this for their home opener in 1989, in honor of Bob Boone, who took a $1 raise to bolt Anaheim and sign with Kansas City the previous winter?

Now Boone is managing in Kansas City, with Gene Mauch at his side as bench coach, and do you suppose the two of them ever discuss Game 5?

Can you name the only current Angel player who was a member of that ill-fated 1986 playoff team?

Chuck Finley was an impressionable 23-year-old rookie then, and isn’t it amazing what he has gone on to overcome and accomplish since then?

How many other pitchers lasted nine years with the Angels and emerged with a won-lost record 13 games above .500?

And how many of us truly expected to see Finley starting tonight for the Angels, instead of the Red Sox or the Blue Jays?

Finley is supposed to be pitching against Detroit, but if those are the Tigers, where are Alan Trammell, Lou Whitaker, Mickey Tettleton, Tim Belcher, Eric Davis and Bill Gullickson?

I know Trammell and Whitaker say they go everywhere together, but the disabled list, too?

Why didn’t Sparky stay away while the staying away was good?

When do the Angels steal their first base of the season?

May or June?

What are the odds of Chad Curtis going 4 for 4 with a home run and three steals tonight?

Given an expanded 28-man roster to toy with, how come the Angels are bringing only two proven starting pitchers (Finley and Mark Langston), two proven power hitters (Tim Salmon and Chili Davis) and two proven relief pitchers (Lee Smith and Mitch Williams) to the ballpark?

To say nothing about two starting infielders with careers hanging in the balance (J.T. Snow and Eduardo Perez) and two light-hitting catchers (Andy Allanson and Jorge Fabregas) who will platoon until the minute Greg Myers’ big right toe feels like digging in again?

Who’s putting this team together, Bill Bavasi or Noah?

Will 72 victories win the American League West this season?

Will 62?

Do the Angels, A’s, Mariners and Rangers really need to play 144 games to determine who gets swept by Cleveland in the first round of the playoffs?

Seriously now, who is going to win this division?

The Rangers, who replaced Kevin Brown with Kevin Gross, Tom Henke with Roger McDowell and Jose Canseco with Mickey Tettleton?

The A’s, who still have Rickey Henderson (except he’s 37) and Dave Stewart (except he’s 38) and Dennis Eckersley (who’s 40) and Ron Darling (35) and Terry Steinbach (33) and Mark McGwire (32) and Todd Van Poppel (who’s 24, with an earned-run average going on 7.00)?

The Mariners, with their ‘round-Puget-Sound rallying cry of “Randy Johnson and pray for falling ceiling tiles”?

The Angels?

Has Satan started handing out down parkas and snow shoes?

Where is the uproar over starting the regular season with replacement umpires?

Replacement umpires are acceptable but replacement Milwaukee Brewers aren’t?

Once the strike is settled, what happens to the replacement umpires?

Do they go work games played by replacement players?

Watched by fans paying $1 per seat?

Are $1 tickets enough to make up for a blown-out 1994 season that had no pennant winners, no World Series, no purpose, no resolution and no payoff to once-in-a-lifetime record-chasing bids by Matt Williams, Frank Thomas, Ken Griffey Jr. and Tony Gwynn that were aborted last August?

With no new basic agreement in place, are we going to have to go through this all over again this August?

Do we really want to go ahead with this?

Is it OK if we back out now?

Can we at least get a money-back guarantee?