LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Paul Ecker, on the L.A. County prison escapees: “These prisoners are criminals of the ‘90s. When one inmate was recaptured, he was told he would be booked. So he asked, ‘By Oprah, Phil or Geraldo?’ ”

Adds comedy writer Bob Mills: “Deputies think they know where they made their mistake. The movie shown the night before was ‘Papillon.’ ”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on how Ford expects to build a plant in Vietnam: “It’s a highly symbolic gesture. The U.S. economy was modeled after the standard Ford transmission. It goes from first to third in about 20 years.”

Hamilton, on the new counterterrorism bill: “It would expand FBI authority to order wiretaps. Americans will agree to it only if the FBI tells them which phone company really has the best deal.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on replacement umps: “They’re tenacious. If a pitch falls between the chest and knees, they’re not afraid to call it a touchdown.”

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Believe it or not: Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on a 71-year-old Costa Mesa man’s sex parties: “They swap partners and, occasionally, teeth.”

Adds comedy writer Tony Peyser: “Parties included singing. It’s a scary concept, naked karaoke.”

Ray, on the Cleveland radio station that adopted an all-Catholic format: “Some find the confessional hour too hip: ‘I’ll take the fourth sinner to win a penance and the new John Paul CD.’ ”

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Cirque du O.J.: “A 25-year-old flight attendant’s been dismissed but can’t leave the jury box until Judge Ito turns off the ‘fasten your seat belt’ sign.” (Charlie Reinke)

* “About 45% of surveyed Americans have less respect for our criminal justice system than they did last year. Perhaps, but they have increased respect for Allen Edwards, Marcia Clark’s hairstylist.” (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

* “Judge Ito has promised to keep the trial speedy. When the jury leaves to deliberate, they must deliver a verdict within 20 minutes or the next trial is free.” (Comedy Central)

* “He’s not allowing any nonsense. He even went to see ‘While You Were Sleeping’ after someone told him it was about one of the jurors.” (Mills)

* “If Ito wants fuzzier sketches, why not draft Peter Neufeld? For the past week, all he’s been doing is drawing conclusions.” (Stan Kaplan)

* “Laundry day’s now an ordeal for Andrea Mazzola. She feels compelled to initial and book each stain before throwing it into the washer.” (A. Surnow)

* “The defense describes Mazzola as someone who did sloppy work, has a selective loss of memory and is involved in a cover-up. If so, she’s no criminalist; she’s a candidate for President.” (Kevin S. Healey)

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Pasadena reader Mary Fitzpatrick’s son George, 10, was grousing as he helped her in the garden. When she became irritated by his complaints, she told him it was ludicrous to whine since she asked so little of him.

The boy replied, “Ludicrous? What’s wrong with ‘ludicrous’? Newt Gingrich makes a living at it.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.