LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Josefina Klag insisting she wasn’t really Gov. Pete Wilson’s former housekeeper. She just came in twice a week to launder his corporate campaign contributions, feed the Republican fat cats he’d taken in, and vacuum all his broken promises.”

Adds comedy writer Tyler Horn: “Wilson’s now suffering from Huffington’s Disease: saying one thing and doing the other.”

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on the new stamps at the post office honoring American cartoon strips: “There’s been some trouble. The Dick Tracy stamp tried to arrest the Richard Nixon stamp.”

Adds comedy writer Tony Peyser: “Nancy wasn’t supposed to get one, but Postmaster Marvin Runyon Jr. relented after he was roughed up by Sluggo.”

Cutler, on the first anniversary of Pearl Jam’s complaint to the Justice Department that Ticketmaster monopolizes sales: “Ticketmaster knew there was trouble when they saw the Eddie Vedder poster in Janet Reno’s office.”

Jay Leno, on the $1.50 tariff being proposed by the Clinton Administration for every person who enters the United States: “It’s an insult, and doesn’t say much about our country. Even low-life strip joints charge you 10 bucks to get in. How about $20 and a two-drink minimum?”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the NBA playoffs: “The game’s really changed. ‘Three seconds’ is now the time Shaq spends practicing free throws.”

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Among David Letterman’s Top 10 signs a Broadway show’s going to close:

* “They’re converting the theater lobby into a Gap.”

* “For the last three performances, they didn’t bother to raise the curtain.”

* “On a typical night, many of the boos come from cast members.”

* “Some of your fellow ‘Cats’ are sold to labs for testing.”

* “No chemistry between romantic leads Valerie Harper and Mr. T.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Gregory Matheson will be missed. It was so nice to hear the word vial when it wasn’t being used to describe defense tactics.” (Mills)

* “First, Al Cowlings was supposed to take the stand, and now possibly Robert Kardashian. O.J.’s alternate friends list is getting dangerously low.” (Mills)

* “It turns out the cellular phone that beeped in court last week belonged to defense attorney Robert Blasier. He uses it in his Bob Newhart look-alike comedy act.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “The defense is getting to the bottom of the alibi barrel. With crucial blood evidence pointing to O.J., they claim tests point to a fourth blood type at the scene. It’s consistent with only one individual: Elvis Presley.” (Kevin S. Healey)

* “With all the TV commercials, sometimes it’s difficult to distinguish between regular programming and the trial. For instance, “Dorf Goes Fishing.” Is that a comedy video or a defense cross-examination?” (Russ Myers)

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When South Pasadena reader Betsy Richman and her son Alex, 5, spent the night at his grandparents’ house, Richman wore her special football player-printed pajamas for the occasion. Alex proudly told his grandparents:

“Mommy is so lucky. She gets to sleep with all the members of the NFL.”

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SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.