LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on Democrats blaming Republicans for Oklahoma City and the GOP blaming Dems for Waco: “It’s not polite to say what all of this sounds like, but a sack of it shouldn’t be mixed with fuel oil.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Gov. Pete’s latest explanation about his illegal immigrant maid: “He said she was just on loan from the Huffingtons.”

Jay Leno, on police “investigating” Dr. Kevorkian’s most recent assisted suicide: “What’s to investigate? You have a suicide doctor, his suicide van and a dead body. This is pretty much the Columbo Starter Kit.”

Comedy writer Stan Kaplan, on the firm that publishes Encyclopaedia Britannica being for sale for $500 million: “If a buyer pays cash, the company will also throw in a dictionary and a bookcase.”

Cutler Comedy Rock Network, on Biographer’s Day (Tuesday): “These days, biographers are more like gardeners. They spend their days looking for dirt.”

Cutler, on Geraldo getting a broken nose while breaking up a fight on his show: “Doctors say it was bad. His nose was almost as swollen as his ego.”

Ryan, on the book that says men with love handles are unlikely to cheat: “It’s not that they don’t want to. You just don’t meet many women while you’re lying around in your underwear.”

Leno, on reports that U.S. bra sales are up: “Experts can’t agree whether the sales are really up, or the numbers have just been padded.”

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on a survey showing that more women have sex for the first time during May than any other month: “And June is the favorite month for men to lose the women’s telephone numbers.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on 24 Alabama inmates receiving liberal arts diplomas while still behind bars: “This means that when they get out, they’ll be just like other liberal arts degree holders--unable to find work.”

Comedy Central, on the new French president: “He was elected despite all the character issues raised when it was discovered he had no mistress.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Peter Neufeld really has a problem with spelling. First, he missed proficiency on his chart, and later, in a note to Johnnie Cochran about the defense’s police conspiracy theory, he misspelled preposterous .” (Bob Mills)

* “One juror caught a foul ball at a Dodger game Friday, and was cheered by fans. Now Cochran wants to know if the guy would be interested in an autographed football.” (Mills)

* “Neufeld was certainly out of line when he suggested that anyone who believes Cellmark’s conclusions is out of his Cotton-picking mind.” (Peyser)

* “Here’s the evidence so far: The blood leads to O.J.’s estate, the DNA points to him, he fled police in the white Bronco, he admits to a murderous dream. Add it all up and what do you get? A Colombian drug hit.” (Healey)

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L.A. reader Mike Kilgore’s son Sean, 6, was beginning to tell his parents a story. “Me and Eli . . . “ Sean began. Kilgore’s wife gently corrected him by interjecting the word I . Without missing a beat, Sean began again:

“OK, me and I . . . “

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.