LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: Jay Leno, on new tariffs on Japanese luxury cars: “Car salesmen are furious. They’re saying, ‘Double the sticker price? That’s our job.’ ”
* Adds comedy writer Mel Golob: “Every American who buys a Japanese luxury car will now get a free bumper sticker: My Other Car Is a Brink’s Truck .”
Comedy writer Bob Mills, on a secret Senate deal: “CIA couriers have been busy delivering secret messages between Republicans and Democrats as they attempt to negotiate an exchange of Bob Packwood for Ron Brown.”
Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on the chase of the stolen tank in San Diego: “As CHP officers pulled next to the vehicle, they heard the driver say, ‘Lousy turning radius, poor acceleration and terrible miles-per-gallon. Tell that salesman, no thanks .’ ”
* Adds Tom Gorman: “Do you notice how there’s never a militia around when you really need one?”
Leno, on the transsexual who ran in the Oil City, Pa., Democratic primary for county commissioner: “You’ve got to admire her. Think about how much courage it takes to come forward and publicly admit you’re a Democrat.”
* Adds comedy writer Paul Ryan: “She went from a man to a woman to a politician. Talk about a vicious circle.”
Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on Thursday’s 75th birthday of Pope John Paul II: “The pontiff says he has no plans to retire. Where else could he just sit around and pontificate? Aside from hosting talk radio.”
Ryan, on the University of California, Irvine researchers looking for brain donors: “They say they prefer surfers, because there’s so little wear and tear.”
Mills, on a new law allowing Texans to carry concealed weapons: “Great. Before, we just had to listen to their ridiculous exaggerations. Now, we have to pretend that we believe them.”
*
That’s entertainment? Golob, on a sequel to the hit movie “Crimson Tide”: “The sub’s crew will attempt to divert an even worse disaster: Stop the filming of ‘Waterworld.’ ”
Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on Shaquille O’Neal signing a million-dollar movie deal to play a magical rapping genie: “His character is all-knowing and all-powerful, with the ability to do everything but hit free throws.”
Comic Jenny Church, on Mr. and Mrs. Michael Jackson’s June interview on “Prime Time Live”: “The first part of the show will be a he said/she said format. Then the interviewer will talk with Lisa Marie.”
Perisho, on Las Vegas now being ranked as the country’s top retirement destination: “Reflecting the change in their audience, Siegfried and Roy have begun making wrinkles disappear.”
*
Moorpark reader Shirleen Y. Kaupp’s son Cormac, 4, was unhappy that he had been left with neighbors when his baby sister was born and, on the way home, asked his mom how babies are made. She explained the miracle of conception and birth, including that a baby grew from a fertilized egg in her “tummy.”
Replied Cormac: “I wish I could have been there when the egg cracked.”
