LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the White House gunman: “He managed to scale the wrought-iron fence, but was stopped before he got to the lawyer-filled moat surrounding the West Wing.”
Mills, on the Supreme Court’s term-limit ruling: “They can’t limit politicians’ time in office, but can limit time spent in a lobbyist’s pocket.”
Comic Argus Hamilton, on Dan Quayle’s criticism of Clinton’s military record: “Quayle, whose family fortune totals $200 million, got out of overseas duty, too. The only guy worth $200 million who went to Vietnam was Bob Hope.”
Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the President’s recent golf outing with the 91-year-old Hope: “Unfortunately, he looked overweight, sluggish and out of sorts. But Bob looked great.”
Comedy writer Alan Ray, on a poll showing 71% of adults don’t understand the economic growth rate: “Experts estimate the number may be higher, but the survey was conducted only at the White House.”
Healey, on KTTV’s decision to replace O.J. Simpson trial coverage with episodes of “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers”: “Station management says it’s in response to viewer demands for more realistic programming.”
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Cirque du O.J.: Healey, on the restless jurors’ demands rejected by Judge Lance Ito:
* “Special ear pieces to remove nasal sound from Barry Scheck’s voice.”
* “Lifting ban on keeping gifts from Johnnie Cochran.”
* “Celebrity conjugal visits.”
* “For the love of God, no more John Tesh!”
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Business briefs: Jay Leno, on United Airlines receiving the first Boeing 777: “It’s technologically advanced and because it’s the biggest jetliner ever made, they had to design an extra-wide beverage cart to block the aisles.”
Reader Charlie Reinke, on the tariff to be levied on Japanese luxury cars: “It will almost double their cost. Now, requests about the Infiniti will refer to the length of payments.”
Comic Jenny Church, on the controversial claim that the film “Forrest Gump” is in the red: “They’re thinking of basing a Broadway show on the movie, and calling it ‘No, No, No Net.’ ”
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on weapons marketing in an era of gun-control debate: “Naturally, the NRA is doing their part. They’ll develop a Saturday Night Special K.”
Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on the five-hour special on the Beatles set to air in November: “An additional two hours of Yoko Ono songs will be played while stations conduct their Emergency Broadcast System tests.”
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Seal Beach reader Susan Solomon’s son Sam Ribakoff, 2, just started potty training. He returned home from day care and told his mom about a video he’d seen on whales. When she pressed him for details, he added:
“Mama, it pees from his head.”
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