In the news: Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on prosecutor Christopher Darden saying he is ashamed to be on the O.J. case and doesn’t know if he wants to practice law again: “So, the trial has had a positive effect on someone.”

* Adds Cutler Comedy Rock Network: “Certainly, a man of his sunny disposition can easily find work at the Department of Motor Vehicles.”

Jay Leno, on presidential candidate and Sen. Bob Dole’s blistering attack last week on Hollywood: “Dole spoke out against loveless sex. And Friday, Bill Clinton asked for network time to give his rebuttal.”


Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Liz Dole selling her Disney stock to protest its distribution of “Priest”: “If she thinks that’s bad, wait’ll she sees ‘Rabbi.’ ”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the President riding a white Arabian gelding in Montana last week: “It was sad to see a once-proud stallion like that, unable to chase all the mares like he used to. And the horse didn’t look too happy either.”

Leno, on the new glasses that simulates what it is like to be drunk: “They come in three attractive styles: the classic Ted Kennedy, the conservative Bob Packwood or the new, sporty Rodney King.”

Ryan, on a claim that dishwashing soap can affect a man’s virility: “I’d think twice about buying a detergent that says, ‘Softens more than hands.’ ”

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the Houston professor who claims he found a poem written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow at a garage sale: “Some experts are skeptical. The first verse starts, ‘There was a young girl from Nantucket . . . ‘ “

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on a new etiquette camp in Florida for corporate CEOs: “It will address the most perplexing problem of management today: When stripping employees of benefits, should you wear a black suit or blue?”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the UC Irvine fertility clinic scandal: “Three doctors are accused of putting all the eggs in someone else’s basket.”

Ryan, on police using bean-bag projectiles to stun criminals: “Then they finish ‘em off with lava lamps and black velvet paintings. If more firepower is needed, they call in the SWAT team with Super Soakers and Nerf bats.”


Danger: A Congressional report says up to half the nation’s water supply is polluted. Here are Mills’ key warning signs that your tap water may be less than pristine:

* Your refrigerator magnets stick to the side of your glass.

* Your dog prefers tap water to the toilet.

* Your water must be nibbled instead of sipped.

* You gulp aquarium water to kill the aftertaste.

* Instead of fluoride, your water company adds Kaopectate.


West Covina reader Adaline Park’s sister often takes her grandson Brock, 6, to Little League games where the “Star-Spangled Banner” is sung before the action begins. While at church recently, after the congregation had sung the same song and was settling quietly into the pews, the boy bellowed out:

“Play ball!”

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