LAUGH LINES : Jokes

The Rescue: Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Capt. Scott F. O’Grady, the rescued U.S. pilot who survived for almost six days on bugs and rainwater after being shot down over Bosnia: “He had trained for it--he used to be a cook at Denny’s.”

* “Actually, he was sustained by two words: movie deal. “ (Pat Swovelin)

* “President Clinton says the rescue will make a great movie. Just wait till Hollywood gives the Marine who rescued him an IQ of 70 and a saying for everything.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “Pilots are taught evasive techniques. They particularly come in handy when being questioned by Tailhook investigators.” (Cutler Rock Comedy)

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In the news: Jay Leno, on “The Bridges of Madison County”: “It’s bringing back romance for many middle-aged married couples. The men pretend they’re with Meryl Streep, and the women pretend they’re with Clint Eastwood.”

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on Disney’s free premiere for “Pocahontas” this past weekend in Central Park: “It was a lot like a real movie theater, except that more people were robbed watching the film than at the concession stand.”

Hamilton, on the Adolph Coors Brewing Co.’s plan to start selling collectible trading cards: “What a sharing experience for children. Today, they trade cards. Tomorrow, livers.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on a department store sponsoring a Little League batting clinic on Father’s Day with ex-Dodger Steve Garvey: “Even though he played first base, paternity suits prove he often went farther.”

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The Newt Testament: Healey, on “1945,” House Speaker Gingrich’s upcoming novel: “It goes against GOP conservatism by containing references to several brutal sex acts. And those are just the chapters about the IRS.”

* Adds comedy writer Gary Easley: “The Newt says that to revitalize America, English must be our common language. Yep, how can we be a great country unless we all know the definition of ‘pouting sex kitten?’ ”

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Cirque du O.J.: “After O.J. appeared to grimace at the defense table, Judge Ito cautioned the Dream Team not to present him with his monthly bill during court proceedings anymore.” (Bob Mills)

* “The medical examiner testified that errors made by the coroner were not major mistakes: ‘Not like, say, leaving your glove at the crime scene. ‘ “ (Cutler)

* “Dismissed juror Willie Cravin claims that race was the reason he was removed. I guess he’s referring to that race to Dove publishing with a first draft.” (Leslie Coogan)

* “F. Lee Bailey hasn’t been seen much around the defense table lately. Anyone check under it?” (Cutler)

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Van Nuys reader Alamada B. Barrett’s grandchildren Melissa, 5, and Matthew, 3, were playing pretend. When Melissa announced that she would play the “daddy,” Matthew told her she couldn’t do that.

“Yes I can,” Melissa replied, “because girls can be anything they want to be.”

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