LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Supreme Court Justices Sandra Day O’Connor and Clarence Thomas voting against affirmative action: “This proves that justice is not only blind, it has amnesia, too.”
Jay Leno, on President Clinton promising Tuesday in a televised address to balance the budget and cut taxes: “I’m listening to this and I said to myself: ‘This really sounds familiar.’ Then I realized: It’s summertime, it’s a repeat.”
* Adds David Letterman: “To Clinton, a balanced budget is: You spend the same amount of money for Big Macs as you spend for Quarter Pounders.”
Comic Jenny Church, on the FBI saying that John Doe No. 2 was just a guy who happened to be nearby but never played any role whatsoever: “In other words, just your typical vice president of the United States.”
* Adds comedy writer Tony Peyser: “When asked why it took so long to figure out the man was not a suspect, an FBI spokesman said, ‘No. 2 happens.’ ”
Leno, on Hillary Clinton telling teen-agers not to have sex until age 21, and then “don’t tell me about it”: “The part about being 21 was her idea; the part about not telling her was Bill’s.”
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on a Los Angeles Times poll showing a majority of Americans think there is too much sex at the movies: “Especially if they happen to be sitting near Pee-Wee Herman.”
Jonathan W. Pessin, on Sen. Bob Dole blasting the entertainment industry for “poisoning the minds of our young people,” while he works to repeal the law banning assault weapons: “This means he’d rather have our kids shot than poisoned.”
Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Father’s Day: “No matter what, Pop was always there with solid words of advice: Go ask your mother. “
Comedy writer Russ Myers, on pilot Scott O’Grady: “He’s the first American to realize that the appearance of ants doesn’t necessarily ruin a picnic.”
Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on the NBA delaying a lockout of pro basketball players for now: “Guess the owners looked inside their hearts. Or inside the half-empty baseball stadiums.”
*
Beat It: “There was an Elvis sighting during the Michael/Lisa Marie interview. He was spotted at a Memphis suicide prevention center.” (Paul Ecker)
* “The Gloved One says he wants to live abroad, in South Africa or Switzerland. Or someplace without extradition.” (Cutler)
Among Michael Jackson’s Top 10 Marriage Tips, according to Letterman:
* Mickey Mouse ears make a great birth control device.
* Be considerate--try not to hog the monkey.
* Keep the moonwalking crap to a minimum.
* When she complains about how weird you are, show her a picture of Prince.
* Maintain joint account with Revlon.
* Keep having surgery until you and your wife are identical twins.
*
Pasadena reader Vicky Kell’s friend Harry Dickenson was amused when his son Sam, 7, told him that he was “perfect.”
“Thanks, son,” Dickenson said. “Tell your mother.”
*
SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.