FAMILIES : Jordan : Balancing Pull of Custom With Push of Modernity : A patriarch’s rags-to-riches rise affords his offspring chances that he never had. But tradition still governs many family relationships.

To his eight children, Omar Salim Mhaisen is a larger-than-life figure, a self-made man who has managed to balance the sometimes confusing push-pull of tradition and modernity in Jordanian life.

“I am very proud that he is my father,” says Hala, his 17-year-old daughter, planting a kiss on Mhaisen’s forehead.

Born in a village 65 years ago, when the British still ruled what was then Transjordan, an Arab land dominated by semi-nomadic tribes, Mhaisen never attended grade school, studying reading and writing instead at the village mosque until he moved to Amman at age 14 towork in the vegetable market.

Today, the white-haired, leather-skinned Mhaisen is a wealthy man, owner of Haj Omar Salim Mhaisen & Sons produce, with offices here in the Jordanian capital and branches in Beirut and the Persian Gulf sheikdom of Dubai. The company owns thousands of acres of farmland in Jordan and exports and imports a variety of agricultural products across the Middle East.

Mhaisen’s sons Amer, Maher and Moutaz work with their father, who still rises by 4:30 a.m. to open the office at the wholesale market. Hala says she hopes to join the family firm as a lawyer someday.

“These days are much better than the old days,” Mhaisen said as he sat surrounded by his wife and children in the spacious home he built 30 years ago in a middle-class neighborhood of Amman.

“There are more opportunities to study, there are more opportunities economically, there is more technology available. There is civilization in Jordan. My children have chances, they have goals, they have everything that they need.”

The father said he does not fear the rapid modernization in his small country, which has experienced both an explosion of development and political turmoil in Mhaisen’s lifetime. Nevertheless, development has a downside on society.

In the span of a single generation, tens of thousands of Jordanians have been educated in the United States, and have been exposed to a way of life radically different from traditional Arab culture. As education, urbanization and family income have increased, so has the rate of divorce, according to government statistics.

Some Jordanians have turned to fundamentalist Islam in reaction to what they believe are the unhealthy influences of Western culture on family life. Islamists advocate values that would diminish the role of women in the workplace, for instance.

But Mhaisen says that he believes his family has stayed close and strong through the years and generally benefited from its contact with the West.

His wife, Hanaa, nods in agreement as her husband speaks. They married when he was 30 and she was just 14, and Hanaa never got a formal education. But she has seen all her sons attend universities in the United States and return to join the family business. She also has seen her daughters attend university, play on sports teams and choose their own husbands--all options that were never available to her generation of Jordanian women.

“Fourteen was too young to get married,” Hanaa said. “I was 15 when I had my first child. I was a child myself.” As is still the case with many villagers today in Jordan, the couple had never spent any time alone together before the wedding ceremony.

She had no say in the building of the family house, Hanaa said, “because I was too young, I didn’t know anything.” Omar took her there after they were married.

But they shared common goals--to rear a large family, to keep the ties between themselves and their children strong, to give their children financial stability and to ensure them access to the education they themselves never had.

“My father always told us: You can have everything, as long as you study,” said 29-year-old Maher, now the accountant for the family business.

All large financial decisions were made by Omar, with the exception of decorating the house, Hanaa said. Her domain was the home--the rearing of the children, the cooking, cleaning and shopping. She set the rules for when the children were expected home, and often meted out punishment if they were disobedient. Today, with several of her children married, Hanaa baby-sits for various grandchildren. She says that she approves of the greater freedom young Jordanian women, including her five daughters, enjoy.

But tradition remains strong in Jordan, where Islamic law guides marriage and divorce. The family structure remains highly patriarchal, with fathers having a large say in where and how their daughters are educated and married. Traditionally, parents remain responsible for daughters until they are married. And sons are expected to take responsibility for elderly parents.

Omar and Hanaa are confident that their sons will care for them in their old age, just as Omar cared for his parents. In Jordan, convalescent homes for the elderly are rare. Even in poor families, it is considered an honor for the eldest son to care for his father and mother until their death, either by maintaining them in their own home or taking them into his.

Mhaisen bought property and built a home for each son as he married. But three adult children still live with Hanaa and Omar. Maher, 29, returned to his parents’ home in 1988 after earning a degree in business administration from Oklahoma State University.

“I know it may seem unusual to Americans, because there you are out of the house when you are 18, or you start paying rent,” Maher said. “But here, you live with your parents until you get married.”

Both Maher and his sister Manal, 25, are engaged to be married soon. Also living at home is Abir, 26, and her son Khaled. Abir recently divorced her husband, a move that shocked the family.

Custom dictates that in the rare instance when a Muslim couple actually goes through with a divorce, the woman returns to her family home and stays there unless she marries again. Every day, Omar, Hanaa and several of their children and grandchildren gather at Omar’s home to enjoy a large, leisurely lunch before returning to work or school. Family members spend more leisure time together than with friends, and all seem to prefer it that way.

“I loved America--those were maybe the best years of my life,” Maher said. “But all the time I was there, I was homesick for the family. Two days after I graduated, I was on a plane back. I couldn’t wait to get home.”

Profile

* Husband: Omar Salim Mhaisen, 65

* Wife: Hanaa, 51

* Home: Spacious house in Amman

* Father’s occupation: Owner of regional produce company

* Mother’s occupation: Homemaker

* Annual income: More than $100,000