LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Serbs saying they’ll kill U.N. peacekeepers if NATO uses airstrikes and Bosnians threatening to use them as human shields if NATO doesn’t: “The only way out is the Clinton Solution: Promise both, do neither.”
Cutler Daily Scoop, on Republicans demanding to know how White House personnel could initially miss finding the torn-up suicide note of Clinton aide Vince Foster: “Easy. This White House doesn’t have nearly as much expertise with shredded documents as, say, the Reagan Administration.”
Cutler, on the involvement of federal agents from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Customs, Secret Service and IRS in a gathering of racist law enforcement agents: “The IRS can be forgiven. It hates everyone .”
Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the reopening of the earthquake-damaged Northridge Fashion Center: “Booths were set up to give teens a free refresher course in Valley Speak. And since only half the restaurants were reopened, ethnic food smells were collected and brought in from the Glendale Galleria.”
Jay Leno, on Disneyland’s 40th anniversary: “They buried a time capsule that will be dug up in 50 years or when the person last standing in line at Space Mountain gets to the front. Whichever comes first.”
Ryan, on the Cosmopolitan cover headline: What His Underwear Says About Him: “If he’s like most guys, it’s saying, ‘Wash me.’ ”
Comic Jenny Church, on funeral services for the owner of 4-Day Tire Stores: “With the casket halfway to the hearse, they stopped and rotated pallbearers.”
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Cirque du O.J.: “O.J.’s video has to be the best aerobic workout ever. It’s a year later and he’s still sweating.” (Leno)
* “The video didn’t prove innocence or guilt. The only thing for certain is that Richard Simmons has nothing to worry about.” (Alex Kaseberg)
* “Dr. Robert Huizenga was forced to examine Brian Kelberg so many times that he sent the deputy D.A. a bill.” (Kathy Peyser)
* “O.J.’s Louis Vuitton bag was admitted into evidence Tuesday. With this, the Italian shoes, and gloves from Bloomingdale’s, prosecutors are hoping that if they can’t get him for murder, they can get him on accessories after the fact.” (Argus Hamilton)
* “When hairstylist Juanita Moore was asked if this was the biggest mess she’s ever been involved in, she replied: ‘No. I once did a comb-out on Kato Kaelin.’ ” (Paul Ecker)
* “It’s finally official: The American Bar Assn. has elected O.J. Simpson its Employer of the Year.” (George Bamber)
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When L.A. reader Magda Simon’s daughter Julie was in first grade, she came home from school with a big smile one day, telling her mother that she had met a very nice boy at school. Mom asked Julie why he was so nice.
“Well,” she replied, “he shared my apple with me.”