LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Jenny Church, on GOP strategists admitting that they called Webster Hubbell to testify at the Whitewater hearings mainly to embarrass President Clinton: “If they really wanted to embarrass him, they should call Roger Clinton and ask him to sing.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Boris Yeltsin’s recovery: “He must be feeling stronger. Last night on Moscow TV, he was hawking Juice Plus.”

* Adds comedy writer Alan Ray: “Yeltsin will reportedly shake up his cabinet. He’ll put the Jack Daniel’s in the front and the Seagram’s in the back.”

Joe Kevany, on the official portrait of George Bush: “It’s the first impressionist painting of a former President--a thousand splashes of paint.”

Kevany, on reports of street gangs in the military: “The situation is so bad that the Pentagon may call in Father Greg Boyle.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on Wednesday’s premiere of “Clueless”: “But enough about the Waco hearings. Let’s talk movies.”

Mills, on the opening of the first LAPD bank service center: “Crimes committed after 3 p.m. will be posted to the next business day.”

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That’s affirmative: Clinton’s call to action:

* “He believes in affirmative action. His Cabinet includes blacks, whites, Hispanics, men and women, and all have earned their own special prosecutor.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “The President urged the nation to ‘mend it, not end it.’ He also revealed that his newest speech writer is the Rev. Jesse Jackson.” (Tony Peyser)

* Women’s rights leader Eleanor Smeal applauded the speech by saying Clinton gets it, Republican leaders don’t: “What Bill’s sex life has to do with affirmative action, I’ll never know.” (Cutler)

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Cirque du O.J.: “Prosecutors got the tow-truck driver to admit being a thief. But enough about towing charges.” (Brad Halpern)

* “How’s the tow-truck driver going to notice blood? He didn’t even notice that stealing receipts is illegal.” (Cutler)

* “Defense witnesses have done so poorly that O.J. is asking future witnesses to wear like-colored outfits so ‘I know who’s on our side.’ ” (Jerry Perisho)

* “The Dream Team’s case is losing so much ground, the invisible footsteps are disappearing.” (Halpern)

* “Peel away Dr. Robert Huizenga’s bias toward the defense and what do you have? Kato Kaelin with a decent haircut and a scholarship to medical school.” (Mills)

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Following a nutrition class in school, L.A. reader Florence Escalante’s nephew Paolo, 6, asked his mother if potato chips were good for him. When she told him that while potatoes are vitamin-packed, the oil, salt and preservatives used to make chips weren’t good for him, he replied:

“OK, just give me Doritos for a snack.”